The Master Manipulators

If you ever need a lesson on how to manipulate people, your greatest source of information should first and foremost be a child. Preferably one under the age of 6. Most aren't fully aware that they are doing it but believe me, they are masters at it.

Take the classic "scene at the grocery store." Child wants candy, adult says no, child whines, adult says no, child kicks and screams, adult, out of embarrassment, tells the child if he will stop screaming he can have the candy. Ta-da! Mission accomplished. But he did what you asked...he stopped screaming, right? Congratulations. You've just been manipulated and you think he was being obedient. Point for the child.

Let's look at the old "but Mom, everybody dresses this way" ploy. Child wants clothes suitable for street walking. Adult says no. Child relates that all her friends are dressing this way. Adult says no way you're dressing that way. Child cries and says you are ruining her life. She'll lose all her friends, be made fun of, and will forever be scarred psychologically. Adult gives in because she wants her child to be popular and not have to deal with critical peers. Boom! Success. But watching your child suffer through social situations is so painful and we all want to try to protect them from that pain, right? Way to go. You've been manipulated and you think you're saving your child from embarrassment. Point to the child.

This one is my personal favorite. Child gets in trouble at school. Adult is upset and demands the child explain himself. Child swears it's not his fault, another child started it, the teacher hates him, everybody picks on him, he hates school, no one understands him, and on and on. Eventually adult begins to get defensive. How can everyone treat their child so badly? Adult stomps up to the school and demands to talk to the teacher...now! Or fires off a biting email that demands better treatment for their child. Or picks up the phone and rants to the secretary because they can't reach anyone who could actually shed some light on the incident. Yes! Child smugly brags to his friends how HE got the teacher in trouble. But you were just defending your child. Aren't we supposed to be their advocate? Good job. You've just been manipulated into totally forgetting about the bad behavior your child was involved in that got him in trouble in the first place.

In the child's defense, let's look at how this happens. When a baby is born, he cries--you feed him. He cries--you change his diaper. He cries--you pick him up and cuddle with him. Right from the start children learn that to get what you want (need), you must first get the adult's attention. It is critical that as infants that they feel secure in the meeting of their basic needs. Studies show that children whose needs are not met as infants exhibit unacceptable behavior in later years. So the manipulation of an adult's attention is natural, normal and healthy. But at some point in time, we suddenly (or so it may seem to the child) discontinue the immediate gratification of their desires. The word "no" becomes a frequent response from the adult in their life. What?? It worked for them when they were babies!

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's a twenty-four hour, 7 day a week, 365 days a year job that is usually thankless, often challenging, and frequently frustrating. Learning to navigate that fine line between meeting needs and creating boundaries is tricky at best, impossible at worst. So what is the solution? Here's my advice: 1) Trust your first instinct. If there is good reason to say no, say no and stick to it. If you can't find a good reason to say no, then say yes. 2) Don't make threats you are not willing to follow through. If you say that your child cannot go to the grocery store the next time you go, make arrangements to leave them at home. If you threaten to stop buying new clothes until she agrees to wear appropriate things, let her wear her old, outdated things. 3) Make sure you have all the facts. Sometimes children lie but most of the time, they are just telling you the facts from their perspective. There is always more than one side to every story. You can be supportive and still help your child see the whole picture. 4) Don't get emotional! Yes, that's easier said than done but if you stay calm, give the child choices (ones you can live with), and lead with your head and not your heart, you will find that children can and will be reasonable.

 

So, the next time you find yourself in a power struggle with your preschooler, elementary child or teenager, ask yourself, "Am I being manipulated?" If there is the slightest possibility that the answer could be yes, then you've probably already been had. Stay strong and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you in this super tough career called parenthood.