Unexplainable Connections

I had the strangest experience this week--one that I will never forget nor be able to entirely explain.

It started several years ago when we became a part of an organization called "International Friends." They match up American families with International students attending Missouri State University. We are charged to be a contact for these students to orient them to life in the States, include them in family events, and just generally be there if they need help navigating the American culture. We "adopted" a young man from China and one from Malaysia. We really enjoyed getting to know them and including them in our family. The young man from Malaysia has since moved on but Eric is still here going to school.

This past October, Eric's mom came to stay for a few months. Although her name looks like this, Li Juan Yu, I will refer to her as Li since my Chinese pronunciation was never the greatest. Li spoke virtually no English and we speak virtually no Chinese so needless to say, communication was stifled. Eric did his best to translate but being able to carry on a decent conversation was really not a possibility. Despite the language barrier, Li and I instantly connected. Hugs and smiles were pretty much our only mutual communication but amazingly, that was all we needed. We took them to the grocery store, out to eat, to Bass Pro, and included them in our extended family's Thanksgiving celebration. They had us over for dinner a couple of times for authentic Chinese food that was quite tasty even though we were not real sure what exactly we were eating. All in all, it was a very enriching experience for us.

This past week, John and I picked up Li and took her to the airport for her return flight home. Eric was in class so we had no translator. We helped her get checked in and before she went through security, our final goodbyes got very emotional. I am certain that a good portion of her emotion was based in having to leave her son here again but there was definitely some intense pain on both our parts. She cried, I cried, we clung to one another, waved and blew kisses... It was ridiculous! As we were driving back from the airport, it hit me that the only connection we had was our hearts. We were never able to share our thoughts and feelings with our mouths but we certainly managed to do it nonverbally.

The difficulty we had in saying goodbye made no sense under the circumstances. There was absolutely no reason for us to be so emotionally fragile. It was completely unexplainable but if you've been a Christian as long as I have, you begin to look for God's lessons in things that happen that are unexplainable. Sure enough. Here's what I realized. This past New Year's Eve, I printed off and charged our Sunday School class to meditate on the fruit of the spirit over this year. I decided to pick a couple of the "fruit" and concentrate on showing them more in my life this year. Guess which was the first one I picked--love. And since January 1st, this is the second time I have experienced a deep love for someone that defied logic. Both have also caused me deep pain but instead of regretting this pain, I have come to realize that it is the intensity of the emotion that proves the presence of the love.

A part of me is hesitant to continue putting myself into these situations. And then the Holy Spirit nudges me and reminds me of my New Year's commitment. And here's the question I have asked myself: If, at the end of my life, the depth of my love for God's people will be judged by how many times my heart was tender towards or was broken by someone, will the count be high or low? The last thing I want is to get to heaven and find out all the missed opportunities because I was afraid to open myself up. Here's to looking forward to next time my heart breaks for someone!

The Master Manipulators

If you ever need a lesson on how to manipulate people, your greatest source of information should first and foremost be a child. Preferably one under the age of 6. Most aren't fully aware that they are doing it but believe me, they are masters at it.

Take the classic "scene at the grocery store." Child wants candy, adult says no, child whines, adult says no, child kicks and screams, adult, out of embarrassment, tells the child if he will stop screaming he can have the candy. Ta-da! Mission accomplished. But he did what you asked...he stopped screaming, right? Congratulations. You've just been manipulated and you think he was being obedient. Point for the child.

Let's look at the old "but Mom, everybody dresses this way" ploy. Child wants clothes suitable for street walking. Adult says no. Child relates that all her friends are dressing this way. Adult says no way you're dressing that way. Child cries and says you are ruining her life. She'll lose all her friends, be made fun of, and will forever be scarred psychologically. Adult gives in because she wants her child to be popular and not have to deal with critical peers. Boom! Success. But watching your child suffer through social situations is so painful and we all want to try to protect them from that pain, right? Way to go. You've been manipulated and you think you're saving your child from embarrassment. Point to the child.

This one is my personal favorite. Child gets in trouble at school. Adult is upset and demands the child explain himself. Child swears it's not his fault, another child started it, the teacher hates him, everybody picks on him, he hates school, no one understands him, and on and on. Eventually adult begins to get defensive. How can everyone treat their child so badly? Adult stomps up to the school and demands to talk to the teacher...now! Or fires off a biting email that demands better treatment for their child. Or picks up the phone and rants to the secretary because they can't reach anyone who could actually shed some light on the incident. Yes! Child smugly brags to his friends how HE got the teacher in trouble. But you were just defending your child. Aren't we supposed to be their advocate? Good job. You've just been manipulated into totally forgetting about the bad behavior your child was involved in that got him in trouble in the first place.

In the child's defense, let's look at how this happens. When a baby is born, he cries--you feed him. He cries--you change his diaper. He cries--you pick him up and cuddle with him. Right from the start children learn that to get what you want (need), you must first get the adult's attention. It is critical that as infants that they feel secure in the meeting of their basic needs. Studies show that children whose needs are not met as infants exhibit unacceptable behavior in later years. So the manipulation of an adult's attention is natural, normal and healthy. But at some point in time, we suddenly (or so it may seem to the child) discontinue the immediate gratification of their desires. The word "no" becomes a frequent response from the adult in their life. What?? It worked for them when they were babies!

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's a twenty-four hour, 7 day a week, 365 days a year job that is usually thankless, often challenging, and frequently frustrating. Learning to navigate that fine line between meeting needs and creating boundaries is tricky at best, impossible at worst. So what is the solution? Here's my advice: 1) Trust your first instinct. If there is good reason to say no, say no and stick to it. If you can't find a good reason to say no, then say yes. 2) Don't make threats you are not willing to follow through. If you say that your child cannot go to the grocery store the next time you go, make arrangements to leave them at home. If you threaten to stop buying new clothes until she agrees to wear appropriate things, let her wear her old, outdated things. 3) Make sure you have all the facts. Sometimes children lie but most of the time, they are just telling you the facts from their perspective. There is always more than one side to every story. You can be supportive and still help your child see the whole picture. 4) Don't get emotional! Yes, that's easier said than done but if you stay calm, give the child choices (ones you can live with), and lead with your head and not your heart, you will find that children can and will be reasonable.

 

So, the next time you find yourself in a power struggle with your preschooler, elementary child or teenager, ask yourself, "Am I being manipulated?" If there is the slightest possibility that the answer could be yes, then you've probably already been had. Stay strong and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you in this super tough career called parenthood.