Not just another Thanksgiving blog

I realize that what is expected at this time of year is a blog detailing all the many things I am thankful for but it will probably not be a big surprise to anyone that knows me that I am taking a different slant on Thanksgiving this year.

Typically our thankfulness is voiced at the table where everyone goes around and tells what they are thankful for or, in our social media society now, posting 28 days of things on Facebook. Things like our families, our homes, our jobs, our churches, our friends. And don't get me wrong, we are truly thankful for all these things and it is certainly not wrong to be grateful for them. But I'm a teacher and I'm beginning to believe that being in education is a terminal illness. My teacher brain asked a different question.

What does it really mean to be thankful?

Words fascinate me and I'm so glad Webster chose to take on the seemingly mundane task of defining all the words in the English language. Here's what the dictionary says about the word thankful.

thankful: adjective : conscious of benefit received

Conscious of benefit received. Okay, that starts my mind buzzing but I want to go farther. One of the definitions for conscious is personally felt and one for benefit is promotes well-being. Now I have something to work with. If being thankful means that I am personally feeling something that promotes my well-being, let's apply that definition to some of the things we mentioned.

My home. When I get up on an extremely cold morning like today, I can personally feel this benefit when I throw back my covers and climb out of bed. I don't have to worry about frost bite or freezing to death which definitely promotes my well-being. This is a physical benefit.

My family. I can personally feel their love for me, their support and encouragement which in turn promotes my emotional well-being.  This is an emotional benefit.

My church. I personally feel them holding me accountable to study the Word, help others, and strengthen my faith. This promotes my well-being by pushing me to be more Christlike in everything I do and say. This is a spiritual benefit.

I think you get where I'm coming from. We can apply this definition to all the things we're thankful for and be able to place everything in one of those three benefit categories: physical, emotional, spiritual.

But let's not forget about the last benefit category. The most important one of all. The eternal benefit. Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross so that each and every one of us have the opportunity to spend eternity in heaven with Him. That is the ultimate benefit and you can't get any more personal than that.

So my challenge to you (and to me) this Thanksgiving is not to just verbalize what you are thankful for but also why. Let's be conscious of the benefits we've received.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A message to parents of daughters

Soap box alert! I feel a disclaimer is warranted because I'm pretty certain there will be some parents who don't appreciate what I am about to say. So read on with an open mind if you dare.

I am a mother of boys and I have a serious concern about what the fashion industry is putting out there for little girls (and big girls) to wear these days. Side note: I do have a daughter but since she has special needs and is on about a two year old mental level, my biggest fashion issue with her is convincing her not to wear a box on her head when we go out in public.

I walked past a rack of clothing the other day in Walmart and was completely perplexed at the amount of material (or lack thereof) used in what I can only assume was a pair of shorts. There is no way that this piece of cloth could have covered up enough to even be considered clothing. Eve was no doubt covering more of her body with a fig leave! It begs the question: Where has decency gone?

Since the arrival of my grandson four months ago, I am finding myself in the children's clothing section more than I have in 20+ years and I'm sad to say, the fashion choices are not much better over there. Skin tight leggings with tiny little skirts, blouses that are masquerading as dresses, tube tops, spaghetti straps, bare midriffs, and on and on. Oh sure, they may be cute on a four year old but what message are we sending while they are young and impressionable? And who is buying this clothing for these girls? I don't know of too many ten year olds with jobs who are purchasing their own wardrobe.

Is it any wonder that parents who are trying to hold their daughters to a certain standard of decency find themselves in a daily battle? The fashion industry + peer pressure = Frustrated parents. My teenage son once asked me, "Mom, if the girls don't want us looking at their butts, why do they put words on them?" Excellent question son. And the answer is, because they really do want you to look...and be attracted to them...but treat them with respect...and don't touch them inappropriately. It's a tough world out there right now for a young boy. So many mixed messages and they are supposed to be able to sort it all out maturely while hormones are raging?

Don't misunderstand me. I am not excusing inappropriate behavior. Boys do need to respect girls but by the same token, girls need to respect themselves. Social media has made it acceptable for girls to post provocative pictures for all the world to see. And I'm not talking about being scantily clad, although that is a huge problem. I'm also talking about baby doll poses, with their finger in their mouth, leaning forward, bootie shots, etc. Come on girls. Have some self respect. There's nothing wrong with being twelve years old...and acting twelve years old. There are plenty of boys out there who are looking for a girl who loves herself enough to hold to a different standard than what society allows.

And before I leave my soap box, let me leave parents with one thought. If your daughter was standing on the edge of a cliff with the rocks crumbling beneath her feet, would you spend time arguing with her about whether or not she ought to move away from the ledge? Of course not. Nothing would stop you from snatching her away from certain death. Lack of self-respect is the root cause of a whole host of issues young women can face today; teen pregnancy, date rape, diseases, abuse, and the list goes on. And here's an even worse problem: Girls face spiritual death every day if they are not prepared to fight against the world's pressures.

It begins when they are little girls. Modeling self respect when they are young will save you a lot of conflict when they are older. And God just might use them to start a new trend; modesty.

An Encounter with Jesus

Today, as I was reading in the book Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman (an amazing, life changing book by the way), the author suggested a scenario that caused me to play out a mental visualization that I can't get out of my head. A question I can't find a completely acceptable answer to. A realization that my life needs to revolve around the honest, heart-felt, all or nothing answer to this question. Here's how it goes:

I am in a coffee shop, which is peculiar in the first place since I don't drink coffee but that was where Kyle Idleman placed his scenario so we'll go with it. I am enjoying my Diet Dr. Pepper and checking my email, facebook, surfing the internet, when in walks Jesus. He comes straight to me, which seems to also be a peculiarity. There are so many other important people He could be visiting. Why me? Those thoughts fade away though when I stand up to greet Him and He wraps me up in a big bear hug. I melt into His strong arms and stay there a bit longer than my brain tells me is socially acceptable. When He finally releases me, I look up into His face and He says, "I love you" to which I respond the standard answer of "I love you too."

We sit down in the booth and Jesus takes my hands in His. My attention immediately goes to the scars that are evident in His hands but it doesn't stay there because of His next question. Lost in the deep pools that are His eyes, He says to me, "Do you really love me too?"

"Do you really love me?" 

Obviously my standard answer isn't going to cut it with Jesus. He isn't looking for my words. He's looking for so much more. My thoughts go to Peter and this same conversation the Lord had with him on the banks of the Sea of Tiberias. Peter was inclined to give the pat answer too, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." John 21:15 But that wasn't good enough for Jesus. He knew that Peter was going to face great adversity and would be instrumental in starting the church so "I love you too" needed to come from the very depths of his soul. It needed to be with his heart, soul, and mind. (Matthew 22:37)

So here I am with this question: "Do you love me?"  Noah loved God enough to give up everything to live in a boat. Moses loved God enough to give up everything to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land. Abraham loved God enough to willingly sacrifice his precious son. The disciples loved Jesus enough to give up everything to follow Him and later even gave up their lives. What am I willing to give up? Do I love Him more than my house, my car, and my material possessions? Do I love Him more than my job or my church? Do I love him more than my family? Do I love Him more than my life?

Tough questions. But the realization that the answers will ultimately define my relationship with Jesus and dictate my eternal home behooves me to get serious about my responses. Praise the Lord that I'm a work in progress and He's not finished with me yet!

Integrity

"If you don't get caught, it's not wrong." 

I overheard this statement being made by a five-year-old to his friend a number of years ago in my kindergarten class. The context was that of certain rules that may or may not be allowed in a soccer game but sadly, this particular child seemed to adopt this philosophy in many areas of his life. I was recently reminded of this incident after a discussion about integrity at my church.

Although it seems obvious that this child's thinking was clearly skewed, it made me realize that we as adults apply this type of reasoning to an astonishing amount of life situations and don't think anything of it. How many of us drive five miles over the speed limit because we are pretty sure law enforcement won't stop us until we are over ten miles? How many of us cheat (even ever so slightly) on our income taxes because we're gambling on the possibility we won't be audited? How many of us keep the extra change we were given by the clerk accidently? That's his/her mistake, right?

Now, lest you think I am writing this from atop my high horse, I am just as guilty as anyone else. We gamble nearly every day that if we are not seen doing something and we don't get caught, we're home free. The other day I was purchasing my daily Diet Dr. Pepper at Kum & Go (it's my only vise--leave me alone) when I noticed a dime and two pennies laying on the shelf below the counter. Someone had obviously failed to pick up their change. Without thinking, I scooped it up and dropped it into my purse. Immediately I was struck with a thought. What right did I have to take that money? It wasn't mine, it wasn't given to me, I had no claim to it. So I removed it from my purse and placed it in the box for donations to a local charity.

Do I believe that 12 cents would have placed my eternal soul in jeopardy? Of course not. But it did shock me somewhat that I didn't even hesitate at first. This business of integrity can be an extremely slippery slope. We see it all the time in high profile individuals who fall from grace for something that seems completely out of character for their position. We can't imagine how that person could have wandered so far away from what is morally right. My fear is that it started with 12 cents that didn't belong to them and someday it could be me that everyone is shocked to hear about.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

My prayer today is that God will help me be a person of integrity so that everything flowing from my heart will be pleasing to Him.

Father's Day from a Different Perspective

I know Father's Day is over but I have found myself thinking about it in a very different way this year and decided I had to write it down.

It is no secret that I became a grandma this spring. My son and his courageous wife are the proud parents of a 9 lb. 7.5 oz. healthy baby boy named Joshua Lucas. He is now about six weeks old and is the reason why I had a different perspective on Father's Day.

Although I am eternally grateful to my own father for the example he has set for me all my life and equally grateful to my husband whose personality traits show up in our boys more and more often as they grow older, my thoughts this year centered on the type of father I hoped my son would be. As I watch him interact with his own son, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that his emotions toward this tiny, helpless infant will change dramatically as Joshua becomes a mobile, uncontrollable, and sometimes defiant toddler. And let's not even talk about his future teen years! It made me think about what Jeremy is going to need in the years ahead to be the kind of father that God wants him to be. Here's what I have come up with based on the qualities I have seen in my own father, in my husband as a father, and in my heavenly Father. This one's for you, Jeremy...

1. You need to maintain your relationship with God first and foremost. Life can get in the way and as we get busy just surviving, it is so easy to put growing spiritually on the back burner. 
2. You need to be firm and consistent but don't lose sight of your tender, vulnerable side. And don't be afraid it to show your children. They will love you for it.
3. You need to cultivate relationships with other people to be a support and encouragement. The storms of life are inevitable and leaning on others does not mean you have failed your family. It means you are allowing God's people to do the jobs He has placed us on this earth to do--support and encourage one another until He comes again.
4. In the immortal words of Dave Embree, "patience and flexibility" will need to be your constant companions. Not just once in awhile, but every day, every hour, every minute. There will be times when things won't go as planned, people won't respond as you want, and things will be out of your control. Roll with it. God still has a plan.
5. You will need to remember that you're not perfect. You WILL mess up, do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, make the wrong choice. That's why forgiveness is such a powerful thing. It sets us back up on our feet and gives us another chance. And don't be afraid to apologize to your children when you know you are wrong. That doesn't make you a BAD parent, it makes you a REAL one.
6. The most precious gift you can give your children is your time. Even the little things like throwing a ball around, swinging together, building with Legos...these will be the things that memories are made of. And if someday God blesses you with a girl, Barbies and tea parties CAN be a good substitute for Legos.
7. Don't be afraid to take advice from your own parents. Remember, we have been there, done that. Just because we're old doesn't make us useless. We just might have an answer you hadn't thought of.

Okay, so that last one was purely on a selfish level but I think it's valid. I could go on but it's entirely possible Jeremy stopped listening about #3. Maybe I should have put #7 at the top. 

Being Still

I recently returned from a visit to my parents' house in Kansas where I spent four days enjoying the peace and quiet of the farm. It was lovely and needed but when I arrived back home, I discovered that our phone service (the land line) was not working. No big deal, we use our cell phones more often anyway. It was reported but the following day, instead of correcting the problem, we also lost our internet and cable service. Going the wrong direction, don't you think guys?

Well, it was the end of the week before our service was restored. Did you catch that? It was AN ENTIRE WEEK before we got back our internet, cable, and phone service. What is this, the dark ages?  Keep in mind that I had just spent four days watching the news and RFD TV.  (Although I hate to admit it but the old reruns of Hee Haw, the Marty Stuart Show, and several others that I don't even remember was pretty entertaining.) Where were my talk shows and reality shows, my facebook updates and email? It was excruciating. It was frustrating. It was...

Enlightening.

The second day into the disappearance of civilization, I decided to make the best of it. I went to the stack of books I hadn't got around to reading and picked out the thickest one. On the third day, having finished the thick book and moved on to book #2, I couldn't stand the quiet anymore and played music on my iphone. I found the music distracted me from really focusing on what I was reading. Imagine that...distractions that disrupted my focus.

Hmmm...a tiny seed of revelation was beginning to form in my brain. And then I got to my devotions for the day. It was all about being still, shutting out the distractions of this world in order to hear God's voice. The revelation began to sprout. And then I went to a board meeting and the member who was doing devotions this month spoke on...you guessed it--being still.

Okay, now I had a full blown bush growing in my head. Was God trying to tell me something? Just about the time I was starting to get a clue, BOOM. We get our service back. Whew! Was I a happy girl! I turned on the television to a talk show and one of the first things I noticed was that they were glorifying an "alternative" lifestyle. I promptly turned it off and grabbed book #3.

So what did I learn from this past week? 1) Shutting out the distractions of this world is much easier to do when you are forced into it. 2) My focus is definitely clearer when I turn off the "noise" in my life. And 3) Silence is not such a bad thing after all.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Prayer is Not a Good Idea

Yes, I'll bet I got your attention with that title, didn't I! I must confess that I borrowed this from Max Lucado but it has gotten me to thinking. Read on for the journey my head went on...

Someone says, "I think we should pray for Suzy's health." And someone else says, "That's a good idea."
Someone says, "Let's pray for safety before we leave." And someone else says, "That's a good idea."
Someone says, "We need to stop right now and pray for that need." And someone else says, "That's a good idea."

Okay so maybe I should say prayer is not just a good idea. It is a moral imperative. It is a holy respsonsibility. It is a life style.

Take a look at this graph. It shows how the average person spends the 24 hours we get each day. This may or may not be typical for you but let's think of it as just an average person. Where do you think prayer would be included in this model? In the 1.7 hours indicated as "Other" I presume. Some days I might fill that column but I will confess that some days, prayer would be just a sliver in that "Other" section. Where would you rate yourself?

The early church had a very different view of prayer than we sometimes do. The whole purpose of many of their "services" was dedicated solely to prayer. And they prayed earnestly. In Acts 12, we see the church meeting for the express purpose of praying for Peter who was imprisoned at the time. In verse 5 it says, "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him."

So what does it mean to pray earnestly? The definition of earnest is "an intensely serious state of mind." Wow! How many of my prayers could be described as done in an intensely serious state of mind? And even if I was able to maintain this level of rigor, would it really make that much difference? Which brings me to my next question...

What if the fate of someone's life rested solely on my prayers? What if the answer to their difficulties depended entirely on how consistently and intensely I prayed? James 5:16b says, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." Not many righteous men but a righteous man. We've got plenty of examples in the Bible to reinforce this idea too. Moses prayed on a mountain while the Isrealites defeated the Amalekites. Solomon prayed for wisdom so he could make decisions that affected people's lives. Paul's letters contain more requests for prayers than they do appeals for money. And then of course, there's Jesus--who prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 tells us to pray continually. So what does that look like? Let's go back to our graph. What if we placed an overlay of prayer over the top of it and stayed in a constant attitude of prayer? What if we pictured putting God on speaker phone so we could include him in every conversation, every decision, and every action all day long? What if prayer was not relegated to one little piece of the pie but was the pie.

Okay, so prayer is a good idea but it is so much more. Pray earnestly. Pray continually. Pray intensely. And see just what God will do with the prayers of a righteous man (or woman).

Unexplainable Connections

I had the strangest experience this week--one that I will never forget nor be able to entirely explain.

It started several years ago when we became a part of an organization called "International Friends." They match up American families with International students attending Missouri State University. We are charged to be a contact for these students to orient them to life in the States, include them in family events, and just generally be there if they need help navigating the American culture. We "adopted" a young man from China and one from Malaysia. We really enjoyed getting to know them and including them in our family. The young man from Malaysia has since moved on but Eric is still here going to school.

This past October, Eric's mom came to stay for a few months. Although her name looks like this, Li Juan Yu, I will refer to her as Li since my Chinese pronunciation was never the greatest. Li spoke virtually no English and we speak virtually no Chinese so needless to say, communication was stifled. Eric did his best to translate but being able to carry on a decent conversation was really not a possibility. Despite the language barrier, Li and I instantly connected. Hugs and smiles were pretty much our only mutual communication but amazingly, that was all we needed. We took them to the grocery store, out to eat, to Bass Pro, and included them in our extended family's Thanksgiving celebration. They had us over for dinner a couple of times for authentic Chinese food that was quite tasty even though we were not real sure what exactly we were eating. All in all, it was a very enriching experience for us.

This past week, John and I picked up Li and took her to the airport for her return flight home. Eric was in class so we had no translator. We helped her get checked in and before she went through security, our final goodbyes got very emotional. I am certain that a good portion of her emotion was based in having to leave her son here again but there was definitely some intense pain on both our parts. She cried, I cried, we clung to one another, waved and blew kisses... It was ridiculous! As we were driving back from the airport, it hit me that the only connection we had was our hearts. We were never able to share our thoughts and feelings with our mouths but we certainly managed to do it nonverbally.

The difficulty we had in saying goodbye made no sense under the circumstances. There was absolutely no reason for us to be so emotionally fragile. It was completely unexplainable but if you've been a Christian as long as I have, you begin to look for God's lessons in things that happen that are unexplainable. Sure enough. Here's what I realized. This past New Year's Eve, I printed off and charged our Sunday School class to meditate on the fruit of the spirit over this year. I decided to pick a couple of the "fruit" and concentrate on showing them more in my life this year. Guess which was the first one I picked--love. And since January 1st, this is the second time I have experienced a deep love for someone that defied logic. Both have also caused me deep pain but instead of regretting this pain, I have come to realize that it is the intensity of the emotion that proves the presence of the love.

A part of me is hesitant to continue putting myself into these situations. And then the Holy Spirit nudges me and reminds me of my New Year's commitment. And here's the question I have asked myself: If, at the end of my life, the depth of my love for God's people will be judged by how many times my heart was tender towards or was broken by someone, will the count be high or low? The last thing I want is to get to heaven and find out all the missed opportunities because I was afraid to open myself up. Here's to looking forward to next time my heart breaks for someone!

The Master Manipulators

If you ever need a lesson on how to manipulate people, your greatest source of information should first and foremost be a child. Preferably one under the age of 6. Most aren't fully aware that they are doing it but believe me, they are masters at it.

Take the classic "scene at the grocery store." Child wants candy, adult says no, child whines, adult says no, child kicks and screams, adult, out of embarrassment, tells the child if he will stop screaming he can have the candy. Ta-da! Mission accomplished. But he did what you asked...he stopped screaming, right? Congratulations. You've just been manipulated and you think he was being obedient. Point for the child.

Let's look at the old "but Mom, everybody dresses this way" ploy. Child wants clothes suitable for street walking. Adult says no. Child relates that all her friends are dressing this way. Adult says no way you're dressing that way. Child cries and says you are ruining her life. She'll lose all her friends, be made fun of, and will forever be scarred psychologically. Adult gives in because she wants her child to be popular and not have to deal with critical peers. Boom! Success. But watching your child suffer through social situations is so painful and we all want to try to protect them from that pain, right? Way to go. You've been manipulated and you think you're saving your child from embarrassment. Point to the child.

This one is my personal favorite. Child gets in trouble at school. Adult is upset and demands the child explain himself. Child swears it's not his fault, another child started it, the teacher hates him, everybody picks on him, he hates school, no one understands him, and on and on. Eventually adult begins to get defensive. How can everyone treat their child so badly? Adult stomps up to the school and demands to talk to the teacher...now! Or fires off a biting email that demands better treatment for their child. Or picks up the phone and rants to the secretary because they can't reach anyone who could actually shed some light on the incident. Yes! Child smugly brags to his friends how HE got the teacher in trouble. But you were just defending your child. Aren't we supposed to be their advocate? Good job. You've just been manipulated into totally forgetting about the bad behavior your child was involved in that got him in trouble in the first place.

In the child's defense, let's look at how this happens. When a baby is born, he cries--you feed him. He cries--you change his diaper. He cries--you pick him up and cuddle with him. Right from the start children learn that to get what you want (need), you must first get the adult's attention. It is critical that as infants that they feel secure in the meeting of their basic needs. Studies show that children whose needs are not met as infants exhibit unacceptable behavior in later years. So the manipulation of an adult's attention is natural, normal and healthy. But at some point in time, we suddenly (or so it may seem to the child) discontinue the immediate gratification of their desires. The word "no" becomes a frequent response from the adult in their life. What?? It worked for them when they were babies!

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's a twenty-four hour, 7 day a week, 365 days a year job that is usually thankless, often challenging, and frequently frustrating. Learning to navigate that fine line between meeting needs and creating boundaries is tricky at best, impossible at worst. So what is the solution? Here's my advice: 1) Trust your first instinct. If there is good reason to say no, say no and stick to it. If you can't find a good reason to say no, then say yes. 2) Don't make threats you are not willing to follow through. If you say that your child cannot go to the grocery store the next time you go, make arrangements to leave them at home. If you threaten to stop buying new clothes until she agrees to wear appropriate things, let her wear her old, outdated things. 3) Make sure you have all the facts. Sometimes children lie but most of the time, they are just telling you the facts from their perspective. There is always more than one side to every story. You can be supportive and still help your child see the whole picture. 4) Don't get emotional! Yes, that's easier said than done but if you stay calm, give the child choices (ones you can live with), and lead with your head and not your heart, you will find that children can and will be reasonable.

 

So, the next time you find yourself in a power struggle with your preschooler, elementary child or teenager, ask yourself, "Am I being manipulated?" If there is the slightest possibility that the answer could be yes, then you've probably already been had. Stay strong and ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you in this super tough career called parenthood.