The Rest of the Story

If you followed this blog back in April when I started writing about my surgery, you may recall that one of the things I wrote about was how a friend had asked us to host a family from China for six weeks over this summer. Initially my reaction was "no way can I handle anything else right now" but as I began to think and pray about it, I realized that God was giving me the reassurance that by then, I would be perfectly fine and able to welcome this family into my home. Now here's the rest of the story...

This family (a father, a mother, and their 7 year old daughter) arrived on July 17th and moved in to the bedroom and bathroom downstairs. I must admit that I had more than a little trepidation about how they would/could fit into our life but we made a connection almost immediately when the daughter, not being sure what to call us, heard someone say "Nana Sharon" and "Papa John." This stuck, not only for Hilary but for Will and Maria also. Will had to go back to China on July 31st but Maria and Hilary stayed until just last week.

I can say with all sincerity that it was a wonderful experience. Was it hard having extra people in the house? Sure. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Being able to share our lives, share our faith, and introduce them to all things American was well worth the disruption of our usually quiet but busy lives. The memories we made, for them and for us, will stay with us forever. And knowing that we have people across the world who now consider us family is a feeling that isn't easily put in to words.

Technology being what it is, being able to stay in contact is a relatively easy thing. We can hear each other's voices, see each other's faces, and continue to share our thoughts and feelings even when we are on two different continents. And I feel pretty certain that we will see each other again.

So, what is my takeaway from this? I can tell you that every time we have hosted people in our home, whether it was for a night, a few days or a few weeks, I can feel my world expanding. I am richer for it and the opportunities I have to be an influence on someone who may not know my God, blesses me as much as it does them. It also makes me very aware of whether my walk matches my talk. Are they seeing Jesus and not just hearing about Him?

I would encourage all of you to step out of your comfort zone. Say "yes" to opportunities that might seem more than you can handle. You just might be surprised at what God can do with a willing heart and an open door.

Eight weeks and counting

Eight weeks ago today, I underwent surgery for one of the most bizarre things I can imagine. An ovarian cyst the size of an eight month fetus was growing inside my abdomen. A massive incision and 37 staples later, it was removed, sent to pathology and two days later, declared benign.

After a sigh of relief and a big "Thank you Jesus," the recovery began. The long recovery began. There were hours of just sitting and thinking. Hours of frustration too as I was unable to do all the things I normally would do. Then gradually my body healed and I was able to regain my independence, one small step at a time.

As I sit here today, eight weeks later, I am so grateful for so many things. Grateful for...

• all the prayers said on my behalf from family, friends, co-workers and even people who didn't know me but heard of my situation from others.
• my pastor and church family who came to keep John company while I was in surgery and who came up to see me after. 
• my sons and their wives who came to the hospital and basically watched me sleep. 
• my husband who patiently took care of me even when I had a not so pleasant disposition.
• my church family, co-workers, and friends who brought us enough food for a family of six and so many gift cards to restaurants, we had more date nights than we have had in years. 
• my mom, dad, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins who prayed for me, called me, sent me cards, came to see me, texted me and checked on me in so many ways.
• my sister who traveled from Kansas and gave up her Memorial Day weekend to help out for a few days.
• Facetime that allowed me to "be there" for my grandson's first birthday party and for my daughter-in-law taking the time to let me watch him play since I couldn't do it physically. 
• time to recharge and dig deep into God's word. Time to be able to listen and truly reflect on what I studied.

But most of all, I am grateful for a Lord who loves me so much that He never let go of me through this whole ordeal, who knew years ago what I would need right now and who used this journey to His glory. We never wish for trials to come into our lives but when they do, it is spiritually healing to be able to look back and see the blessings that came from it. 

For those blessings I am truly grateful. 

Back to normal?

Well, I reached another milestone today.  I went back to work for the first time in seven weeks. It went well, I made it all eight hours, and I didn't even have to crawl to my recliner when I got home. Things are back to normal.

Or are they? And do I want them to be?

I have to confess that I am a creature of habit and was pretty excited when I could return all of my post-surgery paraphernalia back to it's proper places. Extra pillows back on the appropriate beds, pill bottles put away, TV remotes no longer within arms reach of my recliner. My disposition began to brighten when I could see my "normal" coming back into focus.

However, when I re-read what I have written over the last three months, I see how many insights God has given me and it makes me realize that normal may not be what I really want. Do I want to go back to doing things the same way, reacting the same, interacting the same?

I think the answer has to be a resounding NO. I don't truly understand why God felt I needed to endure this little challenge but His purpose is perfect. So, if I go right back to business as usual, am I not telling Him that whatever purpose He had in mind is not as important as my feeling normal again?

I believe I'm going to have to consider a new normal. One that integrates the lessons God taught me. One that is open to new opportunities and new relationships. One that is more concerned with Kingdom work than with staying inside my "normal" box.

It's a little scary outside this box but if I can survive a ten pound tumor and a 12+ inch abdominal incision, I can do anything, right?

For vs. With

For and with. 

Two tiny little words that could easily be overlooked but have recently caused me to completely rethink the things I do. 

My Bible study this week discussed the difference between doing things for Jesus and doing them with Him. This idea intrigued me so I did my own little study on this topic. Here is what I discovered.

First thing I did was go to my trusty dictionary (which, by the way, is on my phone--I am in the 21st century). Both of these words are prepositions and both have similar meanings with one fundamental difference. 

for - used as a function word to indicate purpose

with - used as a function word to indicate a participant in an action

Did you notice the difference? For has a purpose but with requires participation. So here's where this took me.

When I do things for Jesus, I have a purpose; to glorify God and further the kingdom. Not a bad thing. I don't think God would object to that. 

But...

When I do things with Jesus, I am simply a participant in a greater plan. I am being the Lord's hands and feet. I am in partnership with Him in His kingdom work. I am relying on Him to put me where I should be, doing what I am meant to do. 

Since it's summer, let's use a fishing analogy. I love analogies. They help me wrap my brain around otherwise complex concepts. And Jesus used this technique often so I'm guessing it is an effective way to get through to those of us who are a little denser than others. 

When I do things for Jesus, it's like casting out a bunch of fish hooks hoping that some of them will land where there are fish. I could potentially catch one but I may or may not have a very good success rate.

When I do things with Jesus, it's like going out on the lake with a fish finder, locating a school of fish, then dropping my hook right in the middle of them. My success rate is almost guaranteed to go up. 

I'm going to have to process this a bit more to truly grasp what these two approaches look like in real life but it has certainly given me something to think about. 

Slippery Slopes

Here's where my mental exercises took me today. Sorry it's so long. Lots to think about.

Psalm 32 is a beautiful picture of what our sin cycles look like and how God's amazing grace addresses each one. Three words are used to describe our miserable conditions as sinful humans: transgressions, sin, and iniquity. The Bible study I'm doing asked me to write my thoughts about each of them. Having a fascination for words sent me to Webster's dictionary first, then to my own opinion about how these might be classified as a downward spiral. You can certainly disagree with me but here are my impressions.

Transgression "infringement or violation of a law, command or duty"
I see these as our inevitable "slip ups." Those things we do that we don't really intend to be violating God's law but in our weakness, we slip. Angry words to our spouse or children, keeping the change we got in error, telling little white lies to keep us from having to deal with difficult situations.

Sin "an offense against religious or moral law"
This seems to me to be the next level on the slippery slope. This is more purposeful. We know it's wrong but do it anyway because we don't think anyone will know or care. Cheating on our taxes, extra marital affairs, participating in immoral practices at work, ignoring God's will in our lives for what is easier. (Ouch)

Iniquity "the quality of being unfair or evil"
This one seems to be the most dangerous. This is when it ceases to be a decision and has now become a "quality," a part of our character and lifestyle that doesn't even tweak our conscience anymore.

If you look closely at the Psalm 32 passage, you can see where God, as He often does, provides a complementary three words to describe how He responses to our slippery behavior.

Forgiven "to stop feeling anger toward or about something or someone"
This is God's response to our slip ups. When we ask for forgiveness, it stops His wrath against us. Bam. Gone. Forgotten.

Covered "to put something over in order to protect, hide or close it"
This is God's response to our sincere repentance. The blood of Jesus literally covers our sins to protect us from the consequence we truly deserve. Amen.

Not counted "not added together to be a total number"
This is God's great grace in response to our complete surrender. No matter how far down the slope we have allowed ourselves to slip, God's grace will not count it against us if we genuinely turn from our sinful ways and desire to become a new creation. Hallelujah!

Although my desire it to be Christ-like and not participate in any of those first three, I know I'm not perfect and will most certainly slip up. However, my challenge is to keep them in the transgression category and not let myself slide down that slope.

That's my opinion. I would encourage you to read all of Psalm 32 and make your own conclusions.

Forgiveness

Not much new to report on the recovery front. I'm still slowly gaining back my strength, more slowly than I like but I have kept pushing toward my goals each day. Some days I push too hard and have to back off but I'm learning to listen (and pay attention) to my body. I sure do have a new appreciation for people with chronic illnesses who deal with this kind of thing every day with little hope of progressing  back to a "normal" lifestyle. God bless you all!

I have really enjoyed my devotion time in the mornings and as various things swirl around in my mind, I feel the need to write them down. So, if you are interested, here's the latest in my brain callisthenics.

"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Matthew 6:12

If God forgives me just as I forgive others, I am in So. Much. Trouble.

My forgiveness is often based on my definition of need. In my opinion, how much forgiveness does that person really deserve?

My forgiveness is often temporary. I may say I forgive them but the first time it comes back up again, it becomes obvious my forgiveness has faded over time.

My forgiveness is often accompanied by distancing myself from that person. By not having to deal with them, I can more easily pretend I have forgiven them.

My forgiveness is often conditional. I will forgive as long as that person appears to be sufficiently remorseful or hangs their head in shame for the rest of their natural life. As long as I feel they have paid dearly enough, I can continue my forgiveness.

My forgiveness is often selfish. Forgiveness is great as long as it makes me look like the better person. Even if inside I still harbor bitterness and resentment, it's the outside appearance that matters.

Wow, is that how I want God to forgive me? Do I want God's forgiveness to be temporary, selfish, conditional or deserved? Does He really mean this verse in Matthew?

Yes. He. Does. I've got some work to do.

Recovery

Well, I'm two weeks out and I am continuing to discover things about myself and this whole recovery process.

The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.

The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning.  And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.

The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!

I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.

Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.