Well, I reached another milestone today. I went back to work for the first time in seven weeks. It went well, I made it all eight hours, and I didn't even have to crawl to my recliner when I got home. Things are back to normal.
Or are they? And do I want them to be?
I have to confess that I am a creature of habit and was pretty excited when I could return all of my post-surgery paraphernalia back to it's proper places. Extra pillows back on the appropriate beds, pill bottles put away, TV remotes no longer within arms reach of my recliner. My disposition began to brighten when I could see my "normal" coming back into focus.
However, when I re-read what I have written over the last three months, I see how many insights God has given me and it makes me realize that normal may not be what I really want. Do I want to go back to doing things the same way, reacting the same, interacting the same?
I think the answer has to be a resounding NO. I don't truly understand why God felt I needed to endure this little challenge but His purpose is perfect. So, if I go right back to business as usual, am I not telling Him that whatever purpose He had in mind is not as important as my feeling normal again?
I believe I'm going to have to consider a new normal. One that integrates the lessons God taught me. One that is open to new opportunities and new relationships. One that is more concerned with Kingdom work than with staying inside my "normal" box.
It's a little scary outside this box but if I can survive a ten pound tumor and a 12+ inch abdominal incision, I can do anything, right?
Monday, June 23, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
For vs. With
For and with.
Two tiny little words that could easily be overlooked but have recently caused me to completely rethink the things I do.
My Bible study this week discussed the difference between doing things for Jesus and doing them with Him. This idea intrigued me so I did my own little study on this topic. Here is what I discovered.
First thing I did was go to my trusty dictionary (which, by the way, is on my phone--I am in the 21st century). Both of these words are prepositions and both have similar meanings with one fundamental difference.
for - used as a function word to indicate purpose
with - used as a function word to indicate a participant in an action
Did you notice the difference? For has a purpose but with requires participation. So here's where this took me.
When I do things for Jesus, I have a purpose; to glorify God and further the kingdom. Not a bad thing. I don't think God would object to that.
But...
When I do things with Jesus, I am simply a participant in a greater plan. I am being the Lord's hands and feet. I am in partnership with Him in His kingdom work. I am relying on Him to put me where I should be, doing what I am meant to do.
Since it's summer, let's use a fishing analogy. I love analogies. They help me wrap my brain around otherwise complex concepts. And Jesus used this technique often so I'm guessing it is an effective way to get through to those of us who are a little denser than others.
When I do things for Jesus, it's like casting out a bunch of fish hooks hoping that some of them will land where there are fish. I could potentially catch one but I may or may not have a very good success rate.
When I do things with Jesus, it's like going out on the lake with a fish finder, locating a school of fish, then dropping my hook right in the middle of them. My success rate is almost guaranteed to go up.
I'm going to have to process this a bit more to truly grasp what these two approaches look like in real life but it has certainly given me something to think about.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Slippery Slopes
Here's where my mental exercises took me today. Sorry it's so long. Lots to think about.
Psalm 32 is a beautiful picture of what our sin cycles look like and how God's amazing grace addresses each one. Three words are used to describe our miserable conditions as sinful humans: transgressions, sin, and iniquity. The Bible study I'm doing asked me to write my thoughts about each of them. Having a fascination for words sent me to Webster's dictionary first, then to my own opinion about how these might be classified as a downward spiral. You can certainly disagree with me but here are my impressions.
Transgression "infringement or violation of a law, command or duty"
I see these as our inevitable "slip ups." Those things we do that we don't really intend to be violating God's law but in our weakness, we slip. Angry words to our spouse or children, keeping the change we got in error, telling little white lies to keep us from having to deal with difficult situations.
Sin "an offense against religious or moral law"
This seems to me to be the next level on the slippery slope. This is more purposeful. We know it's wrong but do it anyway because we don't think anyone will know or care. Cheating on our taxes, extra marital affairs, participating in immoral practices at work, ignoring God's will in our lives for what is easier. (Ouch)
Iniquity "the quality of being unfair or evil"
This one seems to be the most dangerous. This is when it ceases to be a decision and has now become a "quality," a part of our character and lifestyle that doesn't even tweak our conscience anymore.
If you look closely at the Psalm 32 passage, you can see where God, as He often does, provides a complementary three words to describe how He responses to our slippery behavior.
Forgiven "to stop feeling anger toward or about something or someone"
This is God's response to our slip ups. When we ask for forgiveness, it stops His wrath against us. Bam. Gone. Forgotten.
Covered "to put something over in order to protect, hide or close it"
This is God's response to our sincere repentance. The blood of Jesus literally covers our sins to protect us from the consequence we truly deserve. Amen.
Not counted "not added together to be a total number"
This is God's great grace in response to our complete surrender. No matter how far down the slope we have allowed ourselves to slip, God's grace will not count it against us if we genuinely turn from our sinful ways and desire to become a new creation. Hallelujah!
Although my desire it to be Christ-like and not participate in any of those first three, I know I'm not perfect and will most certainly slip up. However, my challenge is to keep them in the transgression category and not let myself slide down that slope.
That's my opinion. I would encourage you to read all of Psalm 32 and make your own conclusions.
Psalm 32 is a beautiful picture of what our sin cycles look like and how God's amazing grace addresses each one. Three words are used to describe our miserable conditions as sinful humans: transgressions, sin, and iniquity. The Bible study I'm doing asked me to write my thoughts about each of them. Having a fascination for words sent me to Webster's dictionary first, then to my own opinion about how these might be classified as a downward spiral. You can certainly disagree with me but here are my impressions.
Transgression "infringement or violation of a law, command or duty"
I see these as our inevitable "slip ups." Those things we do that we don't really intend to be violating God's law but in our weakness, we slip. Angry words to our spouse or children, keeping the change we got in error, telling little white lies to keep us from having to deal with difficult situations.
Sin "an offense against religious or moral law"
This seems to me to be the next level on the slippery slope. This is more purposeful. We know it's wrong but do it anyway because we don't think anyone will know or care. Cheating on our taxes, extra marital affairs, participating in immoral practices at work, ignoring God's will in our lives for what is easier. (Ouch)
Iniquity "the quality of being unfair or evil"
This one seems to be the most dangerous. This is when it ceases to be a decision and has now become a "quality," a part of our character and lifestyle that doesn't even tweak our conscience anymore.
If you look closely at the Psalm 32 passage, you can see where God, as He often does, provides a complementary three words to describe how He responses to our slippery behavior.
Forgiven "to stop feeling anger toward or about something or someone"
This is God's response to our slip ups. When we ask for forgiveness, it stops His wrath against us. Bam. Gone. Forgotten.
Covered "to put something over in order to protect, hide or close it"
This is God's response to our sincere repentance. The blood of Jesus literally covers our sins to protect us from the consequence we truly deserve. Amen.
Not counted "not added together to be a total number"
This is God's great grace in response to our complete surrender. No matter how far down the slope we have allowed ourselves to slip, God's grace will not count it against us if we genuinely turn from our sinful ways and desire to become a new creation. Hallelujah!
Although my desire it to be Christ-like and not participate in any of those first three, I know I'm not perfect and will most certainly slip up. However, my challenge is to keep them in the transgression category and not let myself slide down that slope.
That's my opinion. I would encourage you to read all of Psalm 32 and make your own conclusions.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Forgiveness
Not much new to report on the recovery front. I'm still slowly gaining back my strength, more slowly than I like but I have kept pushing toward my goals each day. Some days I push too hard and have to back off but I'm learning to listen (and pay attention) to my body. I sure do have a new appreciation for people with chronic illnesses who deal with this kind of thing every day with little hope of progressing back to a "normal" lifestyle. God bless you all!
I have really enjoyed my devotion time in the mornings and as various things swirl around in my mind, I feel the need to write them down. So, if you are interested, here's the latest in my brain callisthenics.
"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Matthew 6:12
If God forgives me just as I forgive others, I am in So. Much. Trouble.
My forgiveness is often based on my definition of need. In my opinion, how much forgiveness does that person really deserve?
My forgiveness is often temporary. I may say I forgive them but the first time it comes back up again, it becomes obvious my forgiveness has faded over time.
My forgiveness is often accompanied by distancing myself from that person. By not having to deal with them, I can more easily pretend I have forgiven them.
My forgiveness is often conditional. I will forgive as long as that person appears to be sufficiently remorseful or hangs their head in shame for the rest of their natural life. As long as I feel they have paid dearly enough, I can continue my forgiveness.
My forgiveness is often selfish. Forgiveness is great as long as it makes me look like the better person. Even if inside I still harbor bitterness and resentment, it's the outside appearance that matters.
Wow, is that how I want God to forgive me? Do I want God's forgiveness to be temporary, selfish, conditional or deserved? Does He really mean this verse in Matthew?
Yes. He. Does. I've got some work to do.
I have really enjoyed my devotion time in the mornings and as various things swirl around in my mind, I feel the need to write them down. So, if you are interested, here's the latest in my brain callisthenics.
"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Matthew 6:12
If God forgives me just as I forgive others, I am in So. Much. Trouble.
My forgiveness is often based on my definition of need. In my opinion, how much forgiveness does that person really deserve?
My forgiveness is often temporary. I may say I forgive them but the first time it comes back up again, it becomes obvious my forgiveness has faded over time.
My forgiveness is often accompanied by distancing myself from that person. By not having to deal with them, I can more easily pretend I have forgiven them.
My forgiveness is often conditional. I will forgive as long as that person appears to be sufficiently remorseful or hangs their head in shame for the rest of their natural life. As long as I feel they have paid dearly enough, I can continue my forgiveness.
My forgiveness is often selfish. Forgiveness is great as long as it makes me look like the better person. Even if inside I still harbor bitterness and resentment, it's the outside appearance that matters.
Wow, is that how I want God to forgive me? Do I want God's forgiveness to be temporary, selfish, conditional or deserved? Does He really mean this verse in Matthew?
Yes. He. Does. I've got some work to do.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Recovery
Well, I'm two weeks out and I am continuing to discover things about myself and this whole recovery process.
The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning. And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.
The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!
I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.
Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.
The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning. And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.
The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!
I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.
Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Post Op Hallelujahs
What a difference a week makes! For posterity's sake and for those who may not have read the status updates, here are the gory details.
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways. So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways. So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:
- The tumor was not attached to any other organs except for my ovary. Not only would that have made the operation much more complicated and the incision even bigger, the possibilities of it being malignant would have increased dramatically. Hallelujah!
- The tumor was officially classified as a cyst when the pathology results came back benign. Hallelujah!
- A good friend of mine who was my neighbor for more years than we want to admit was on duty that day and was able to be my recovery nurse. Although I was totally oblivious, knowing now what competent hands I was in gives me great joy. Hallelujah!
- The shear size of the mass nearly guaranteed it would be at least a week before the path report came back but we got the report on Thursday, TWO days after surgery. God made sure we didn't have that hanging over our heads for a week. Hallelujah!
- When I checked in Tuesday morning, we were told it would probably be 9:00 before I actually went back. There was another surgery ahead of me so they got me as ready as they could and we settled in to wait. Barely 20 minutes later, they were taking me back to the OR and I remember virtually nothing until I woke up in my room. The fact that I didn't have to sit around for hours waiting to get this over with is a BIG Hallelujah for this girl!
- We have had a virtual parade of friends bringing us food since we got home. The fact that so many people have given of their time and resources to unselfishly take care of our needs brings me more joy than I can even express. Hallelujah!
- The overwhelming amount of encouraging words, cards, notes, and comments have been so humbling. God's people are so good. Hallelujah!
- The night before my surgery, I received a message from one of my former students who is now grown. She had just read my blogs and told me how encouraging my words had been to her due to a family member in a difficult situation also. I told John that if being able to help her in any small way was the reason I had to deal with this, it was worth it. Hallelujah!
I have no doubt that all of these Hallelujahs have been a direct result of all the prayers that were said on my behalf. I know for a fact that some of these things were prayed for specifically by some of you. I am a firm believer in naming it and claiming it in the name of The Lord. I still have a long road ahead but looking back at all the things God has blessed me with so far gives me complete confidence that He will be walking me through this every step of the way. I'm sure there will be times when I get frustrated but I am determined to use this time of forced quietness to listen to His voice. Then when the noise of the world gets louder, my hope is that I will have learned to better recognize that voice even through the things screaming for my attention. Hallelujah!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Finally!
Well, after five weeks of waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently), the day of surgery is upon me. In some ways, I can't believe it has been five weeks already and in some ways, it seems that this tumor and I have spent a lifetime together.
As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?
Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?
I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.
There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!
As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?
Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?
I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.
There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!
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