Not much new to report on the recovery front. I'm still slowly gaining back my strength, more slowly than I like but I have kept pushing toward my goals each day. Some days I push too hard and have to back off but I'm learning to listen (and pay attention) to my body. I sure do have a new appreciation for people with chronic illnesses who deal with this kind of thing every day with little hope of progressing back to a "normal" lifestyle. God bless you all!
I have really enjoyed my devotion time in the mornings and as various things swirl around in my mind, I feel the need to write them down. So, if you are interested, here's the latest in my brain callisthenics.
"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Matthew 6:12
If God forgives me just as I forgive others, I am in So. Much. Trouble.
My forgiveness is often based on my definition of need. In my opinion, how much forgiveness does that person really deserve?
My forgiveness is often temporary. I may say I forgive them but the first time it comes back up again, it becomes obvious my forgiveness has faded over time.
My forgiveness is often accompanied by distancing myself from that person. By not having to deal with them, I can more easily pretend I have forgiven them.
My forgiveness is often conditional. I will forgive as long as that person appears to be sufficiently remorseful or hangs their head in shame for the rest of their natural life. As long as I feel they have paid dearly enough, I can continue my forgiveness.
My forgiveness is often selfish. Forgiveness is great as long as it makes me look like the better person. Even if inside I still harbor bitterness and resentment, it's the outside appearance that matters.
Wow, is that how I want God to forgive me? Do I want God's forgiveness to be temporary, selfish, conditional or deserved? Does He really mean this verse in Matthew?
Yes. He. Does. I've got some work to do.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Recovery
Well, I'm two weeks out and I am continuing to discover things about myself and this whole recovery process.
The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning. And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.
The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!
I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.
Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.
The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.
The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning. And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.
The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!
I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.
Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Post Op Hallelujahs
What a difference a week makes! For posterity's sake and for those who may not have read the status updates, here are the gory details.
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways. So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways. So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:
- The tumor was not attached to any other organs except for my ovary. Not only would that have made the operation much more complicated and the incision even bigger, the possibilities of it being malignant would have increased dramatically. Hallelujah!
- The tumor was officially classified as a cyst when the pathology results came back benign. Hallelujah!
- A good friend of mine who was my neighbor for more years than we want to admit was on duty that day and was able to be my recovery nurse. Although I was totally oblivious, knowing now what competent hands I was in gives me great joy. Hallelujah!
- The shear size of the mass nearly guaranteed it would be at least a week before the path report came back but we got the report on Thursday, TWO days after surgery. God made sure we didn't have that hanging over our heads for a week. Hallelujah!
- When I checked in Tuesday morning, we were told it would probably be 9:00 before I actually went back. There was another surgery ahead of me so they got me as ready as they could and we settled in to wait. Barely 20 minutes later, they were taking me back to the OR and I remember virtually nothing until I woke up in my room. The fact that I didn't have to sit around for hours waiting to get this over with is a BIG Hallelujah for this girl!
- We have had a virtual parade of friends bringing us food since we got home. The fact that so many people have given of their time and resources to unselfishly take care of our needs brings me more joy than I can even express. Hallelujah!
- The overwhelming amount of encouraging words, cards, notes, and comments have been so humbling. God's people are so good. Hallelujah!
- The night before my surgery, I received a message from one of my former students who is now grown. She had just read my blogs and told me how encouraging my words had been to her due to a family member in a difficult situation also. I told John that if being able to help her in any small way was the reason I had to deal with this, it was worth it. Hallelujah!
I have no doubt that all of these Hallelujahs have been a direct result of all the prayers that were said on my behalf. I know for a fact that some of these things were prayed for specifically by some of you. I am a firm believer in naming it and claiming it in the name of The Lord. I still have a long road ahead but looking back at all the things God has blessed me with so far gives me complete confidence that He will be walking me through this every step of the way. I'm sure there will be times when I get frustrated but I am determined to use this time of forced quietness to listen to His voice. Then when the noise of the world gets louder, my hope is that I will have learned to better recognize that voice even through the things screaming for my attention. Hallelujah!
Monday, May 5, 2014
Finally!
Well, after five weeks of waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently), the day of surgery is upon me. In some ways, I can't believe it has been five weeks already and in some ways, it seems that this tumor and I have spent a lifetime together.
As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?
Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?
I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.
There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!
As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?
Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?
So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?
I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.
There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!
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