Waiting....

There's nothing like having to wait 5 weeks for major surgery to teach you lessons you can't learn any other way. Here's my story:

Around the middle of March, I learned there is a basketball sized tumor growing on one of my ovaries. Yes, you heard me right...basketball sized. So large they can't tell which ovary it might be attached to. So large it is displacing my other organs. So large it will require a massively large incision all the way up my abdomen to get it out in tact. So large that a complete hysterectomy is the only way to ensure it won't come back. So large it will require 2-3 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks to recover. So large that my weight will drop drastically after its removal. Not the best way to lose weight but hey, I'm trying to find the silver lining.

My first reaction was, "okay, let's go now and get it out" so when the nurse informed me that the soonest date we could schedule it was May 6th, five weeks away, I was pretty disappointed. They took a blood test to check my CA125 and since it was not elevated, they are fairly sure it is not cancerous but won't be able to completely rule that out until it is removed.

So the waiting began. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the thousands of what ifs. And the why-mes. Fortunately, I'm not in a lot of pain. Just very uncomfortable. Like when you're pregnant and due any day. Inconvenienced by clothes that are too tight, extremely frequent bathroom breaks, nausea after eating half what I normally would.

But today I reached a decision. This waiting will be productive. So I started looking for the lessons, the blessings, the glory that God could receive from it. Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Selfishness won't float with God. The only way I could get in to surgery earlier would have been to bump someone else off the doctor's schedule. Someone who may have been waiting just as long as I have...or longer. What right do I have to place myself above someone else? At this point, I think if they called me and said they could get me in sooner, I'd be so riddled with guilt, I'd have a hard time saying OK! God has allowed me to really consider whether the adage "Jesus, Others, You" is just something cute to say to my students at school or if I truly believe it and live my life by it. Am I really putting others above myself?
2. I really have no fear of death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic but any time you have major surgery, things can go wrong. That's a fact of life. And I would be lying if I said I haven't considered this as one of my what-ifs. But the funny thing is, the thought of going to sleep and waking up in Glory doesn't frighten me one bit. What could be better? My sadness comes when I think of the pain my sudden passing would cause my family. And frankly, I'm not ready to quit interfering with my children, playing and laughing with my grandchildren, taking care of my husband, and being a influence on hundreds of students who come through my school. Just for the record, I don't believe God's done with me yet but should He decide differently, I will be getting the better end of the deal for sure. 
3. God's plan is perfect. Before I went for my appointment to schedule the surgery, I told God that I wanted him to work out all the details. All the right nurses on the right shifts, the doctor at his best, the right anesthesiologist on duty. And then when the date was so far away, what was my reaction? "Really God? You couldn't work any faster?" Hadn't I asked Him to work out all the details? How quickly we change our tune when God's plan doesn't line up with our plans. If I'm going to trust Him, that means I'm going to trust Him. Period. 
4. Each day is a gift. The older I get, the faster the days fly by but if you want to slow time down to a snail's pace, schedule some major event in your life several weeks away. I could swear that we've had more than 24 hours in some of the days since my surgery was scheduled. At first, every day was torture as it crept by. I would look at my calendar a hundred times a day to remind myself of how many weeks until THE day. Then I realized that living each day waiting for it to be over was a shameful waste of a day. I discovered that the more activities I packed in, the faster it went and the more satisfied I felt with what I had accomplished, especially if those activities involved blessing someone else. And of course, there was the inevitable slap on the forehead as I came to the realization that I'd heard that somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the Bible!

Well, that's what I've got so far but there's still three weeks left. And there are those 6-8 weeks of mandatory resting. Who knows what other lessons God might have in store for me? I'll keep you posted!