Bad News

How do you handle bad news? I've had my share so far in my life and my reactions to the news has varied depending on where I was in maturity, both physical and spiritual.

"Your brother has been in an accident."

"Your baby girl has brain damage."

"I lost my job."

"If one more major organ shuts down, we will lose your husband and we don't know what to do about it."

"The company I work for is shutting down."

"You have a basketball sized tumor growing in your abdomen."

I can tell you how the world says to handle it.

Blame others.
Sue someone.
Get depressed.
Take medication.
Give up.

I can tell you how the Bible says to handle it.

He gives strength to those who are tired. He gives power to those who are weak. Isaiah 40:29
Come to me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose. Roman 8:28

And I can tell you how Sharon says to handle it (based entirely on the aforementioned Bible and past experiences).

It is much easier to gain perspective on bad news when it is in the past. I can look back at all the incidents mentioned above and see the blessings God gave us through each situation that, at the time, was devastating. I can look back and see how each one grew me spiritually and made me better able to handle the next one.

It is like body building. Each time I had to work my "trust muscles", I grew a little stronger. I am who I am today because of the "workout" God has put me through. He has prepared me for each new challenge by teaching me along the way.

I recently received some bad news concerning a family member and it has caused me to reflect on those lessons and how I will react.

I have learned that each day is a gift.
I have learned that God is still in control.
I have learned to look for opportunities to create memories that can't ever be taken away.
I have learned that love conquers all, no matter how bleak the situation looks.

No one is excited to get bad news. It is a fact of life and a by-product of a fallen world. The good news is that Jesus' sacrifice created a way for us to transcend this world and choose a better way.

I'm going to choose to flex my "trust muscles" and rest in the "God of peace" (Romans 16:20).  It won't make the bad news go away but it will give me the strength to live each minute as the precious gift that it is.

Resting

It's Sunday afternoon and instead of laundry, dishes, working, shopping or cleaning, you choose to relax and do nothing for several hours. And then afterwards, you immediately feel guilty for "wasting" all that time. Why is that?

Why do we feel that spending some down time is a negative thing? Let me introduce you to another point of view.

Genesis 2:2 "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work."

Was God finished with creation on the sixth day? Was the seventh day a "wasted" day?

The Hebrew word for rest is menuha. After six days of creating all the things we enjoy in this world, the universe still lacked one thing. Menuha. Rest. God wasn't finished creating until he created rest. Rest was the capstone of creation. Without it the universe was not complete.This means that it was not simply the stopping of an activity. It was a created thing.

So what is wrong with enjoying God's creation of rest like we enjoy a beautiful sunset, a child's laughter or a bird's song? All that God made He declared as good so why shouldn't rest be just as good as the other things that He created?

Save the guilt and get some rest. God commanded it.

The Rest of the Story

If you followed this blog back in April when I started writing about my surgery, you may recall that one of the things I wrote about was how a friend had asked us to host a family from China for six weeks over this summer. Initially my reaction was "no way can I handle anything else right now" but as I began to think and pray about it, I realized that God was giving me the reassurance that by then, I would be perfectly fine and able to welcome this family into my home. Now here's the rest of the story...

This family (a father, a mother, and their 7 year old daughter) arrived on July 17th and moved in to the bedroom and bathroom downstairs. I must admit that I had more than a little trepidation about how they would/could fit into our life but we made a connection almost immediately when the daughter, not being sure what to call us, heard someone say "Nana Sharon" and "Papa John." This stuck, not only for Hilary but for Will and Maria also. Will had to go back to China on July 31st but Maria and Hilary stayed until just last week.

I can say with all sincerity that it was a wonderful experience. Was it hard having extra people in the house? Sure. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Being able to share our lives, share our faith, and introduce them to all things American was well worth the disruption of our usually quiet but busy lives. The memories we made, for them and for us, will stay with us forever. And knowing that we have people across the world who now consider us family is a feeling that isn't easily put in to words.

Technology being what it is, being able to stay in contact is a relatively easy thing. We can hear each other's voices, see each other's faces, and continue to share our thoughts and feelings even when we are on two different continents. And I feel pretty certain that we will see each other again.

So, what is my takeaway from this? I can tell you that every time we have hosted people in our home, whether it was for a night, a few days or a few weeks, I can feel my world expanding. I am richer for it and the opportunities I have to be an influence on someone who may not know my God, blesses me as much as it does them. It also makes me very aware of whether my walk matches my talk. Are they seeing Jesus and not just hearing about Him?

I would encourage all of you to step out of your comfort zone. Say "yes" to opportunities that might seem more than you can handle. You just might be surprised at what God can do with a willing heart and an open door.

Eight weeks and counting

Eight weeks ago today, I underwent surgery for one of the most bizarre things I can imagine. An ovarian cyst the size of an eight month fetus was growing inside my abdomen. A massive incision and 37 staples later, it was removed, sent to pathology and two days later, declared benign.

After a sigh of relief and a big "Thank you Jesus," the recovery began. The long recovery began. There were hours of just sitting and thinking. Hours of frustration too as I was unable to do all the things I normally would do. Then gradually my body healed and I was able to regain my independence, one small step at a time.

As I sit here today, eight weeks later, I am so grateful for so many things. Grateful for...

• all the prayers said on my behalf from family, friends, co-workers and even people who didn't know me but heard of my situation from others.
• my pastor and church family who came to keep John company while I was in surgery and who came up to see me after. 
• my sons and their wives who came to the hospital and basically watched me sleep. 
• my husband who patiently took care of me even when I had a not so pleasant disposition.
• my church family, co-workers, and friends who brought us enough food for a family of six and so many gift cards to restaurants, we had more date nights than we have had in years. 
• my mom, dad, siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins who prayed for me, called me, sent me cards, came to see me, texted me and checked on me in so many ways.
• my sister who traveled from Kansas and gave up her Memorial Day weekend to help out for a few days.
• Facetime that allowed me to "be there" for my grandson's first birthday party and for my daughter-in-law taking the time to let me watch him play since I couldn't do it physically. 
• time to recharge and dig deep into God's word. Time to be able to listen and truly reflect on what I studied.

But most of all, I am grateful for a Lord who loves me so much that He never let go of me through this whole ordeal, who knew years ago what I would need right now and who used this journey to His glory. We never wish for trials to come into our lives but when they do, it is spiritually healing to be able to look back and see the blessings that came from it. 

For those blessings I am truly grateful. 

Back to normal?

Well, I reached another milestone today.  I went back to work for the first time in seven weeks. It went well, I made it all eight hours, and I didn't even have to crawl to my recliner when I got home. Things are back to normal.

Or are they? And do I want them to be?

I have to confess that I am a creature of habit and was pretty excited when I could return all of my post-surgery paraphernalia back to it's proper places. Extra pillows back on the appropriate beds, pill bottles put away, TV remotes no longer within arms reach of my recliner. My disposition began to brighten when I could see my "normal" coming back into focus.

However, when I re-read what I have written over the last three months, I see how many insights God has given me and it makes me realize that normal may not be what I really want. Do I want to go back to doing things the same way, reacting the same, interacting the same?

I think the answer has to be a resounding NO. I don't truly understand why God felt I needed to endure this little challenge but His purpose is perfect. So, if I go right back to business as usual, am I not telling Him that whatever purpose He had in mind is not as important as my feeling normal again?

I believe I'm going to have to consider a new normal. One that integrates the lessons God taught me. One that is open to new opportunities and new relationships. One that is more concerned with Kingdom work than with staying inside my "normal" box.

It's a little scary outside this box but if I can survive a ten pound tumor and a 12+ inch abdominal incision, I can do anything, right?

For vs. With

For and with. 

Two tiny little words that could easily be overlooked but have recently caused me to completely rethink the things I do. 

My Bible study this week discussed the difference between doing things for Jesus and doing them with Him. This idea intrigued me so I did my own little study on this topic. Here is what I discovered.

First thing I did was go to my trusty dictionary (which, by the way, is on my phone--I am in the 21st century). Both of these words are prepositions and both have similar meanings with one fundamental difference. 

for - used as a function word to indicate purpose

with - used as a function word to indicate a participant in an action

Did you notice the difference? For has a purpose but with requires participation. So here's where this took me.

When I do things for Jesus, I have a purpose; to glorify God and further the kingdom. Not a bad thing. I don't think God would object to that. 

But...

When I do things with Jesus, I am simply a participant in a greater plan. I am being the Lord's hands and feet. I am in partnership with Him in His kingdom work. I am relying on Him to put me where I should be, doing what I am meant to do. 

Since it's summer, let's use a fishing analogy. I love analogies. They help me wrap my brain around otherwise complex concepts. And Jesus used this technique often so I'm guessing it is an effective way to get through to those of us who are a little denser than others. 

When I do things for Jesus, it's like casting out a bunch of fish hooks hoping that some of them will land where there are fish. I could potentially catch one but I may or may not have a very good success rate.

When I do things with Jesus, it's like going out on the lake with a fish finder, locating a school of fish, then dropping my hook right in the middle of them. My success rate is almost guaranteed to go up. 

I'm going to have to process this a bit more to truly grasp what these two approaches look like in real life but it has certainly given me something to think about. 

Slippery Slopes

Here's where my mental exercises took me today. Sorry it's so long. Lots to think about.

Psalm 32 is a beautiful picture of what our sin cycles look like and how God's amazing grace addresses each one. Three words are used to describe our miserable conditions as sinful humans: transgressions, sin, and iniquity. The Bible study I'm doing asked me to write my thoughts about each of them. Having a fascination for words sent me to Webster's dictionary first, then to my own opinion about how these might be classified as a downward spiral. You can certainly disagree with me but here are my impressions.

Transgression "infringement or violation of a law, command or duty"
I see these as our inevitable "slip ups." Those things we do that we don't really intend to be violating God's law but in our weakness, we slip. Angry words to our spouse or children, keeping the change we got in error, telling little white lies to keep us from having to deal with difficult situations.

Sin "an offense against religious or moral law"
This seems to me to be the next level on the slippery slope. This is more purposeful. We know it's wrong but do it anyway because we don't think anyone will know or care. Cheating on our taxes, extra marital affairs, participating in immoral practices at work, ignoring God's will in our lives for what is easier. (Ouch)

Iniquity "the quality of being unfair or evil"
This one seems to be the most dangerous. This is when it ceases to be a decision and has now become a "quality," a part of our character and lifestyle that doesn't even tweak our conscience anymore.

If you look closely at the Psalm 32 passage, you can see where God, as He often does, provides a complementary three words to describe how He responses to our slippery behavior.

Forgiven "to stop feeling anger toward or about something or someone"
This is God's response to our slip ups. When we ask for forgiveness, it stops His wrath against us. Bam. Gone. Forgotten.

Covered "to put something over in order to protect, hide or close it"
This is God's response to our sincere repentance. The blood of Jesus literally covers our sins to protect us from the consequence we truly deserve. Amen.

Not counted "not added together to be a total number"
This is God's great grace in response to our complete surrender. No matter how far down the slope we have allowed ourselves to slip, God's grace will not count it against us if we genuinely turn from our sinful ways and desire to become a new creation. Hallelujah!

Although my desire it to be Christ-like and not participate in any of those first three, I know I'm not perfect and will most certainly slip up. However, my challenge is to keep them in the transgression category and not let myself slide down that slope.

That's my opinion. I would encourage you to read all of Psalm 32 and make your own conclusions.

Forgiveness

Not much new to report on the recovery front. I'm still slowly gaining back my strength, more slowly than I like but I have kept pushing toward my goals each day. Some days I push too hard and have to back off but I'm learning to listen (and pay attention) to my body. I sure do have a new appreciation for people with chronic illnesses who deal with this kind of thing every day with little hope of progressing  back to a "normal" lifestyle. God bless you all!

I have really enjoyed my devotion time in the mornings and as various things swirl around in my mind, I feel the need to write them down. So, if you are interested, here's the latest in my brain callisthenics.

"...and forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Matthew 6:12

If God forgives me just as I forgive others, I am in So. Much. Trouble.

My forgiveness is often based on my definition of need. In my opinion, how much forgiveness does that person really deserve?

My forgiveness is often temporary. I may say I forgive them but the first time it comes back up again, it becomes obvious my forgiveness has faded over time.

My forgiveness is often accompanied by distancing myself from that person. By not having to deal with them, I can more easily pretend I have forgiven them.

My forgiveness is often conditional. I will forgive as long as that person appears to be sufficiently remorseful or hangs their head in shame for the rest of their natural life. As long as I feel they have paid dearly enough, I can continue my forgiveness.

My forgiveness is often selfish. Forgiveness is great as long as it makes me look like the better person. Even if inside I still harbor bitterness and resentment, it's the outside appearance that matters.

Wow, is that how I want God to forgive me? Do I want God's forgiveness to be temporary, selfish, conditional or deserved? Does He really mean this verse in Matthew?

Yes. He. Does. I've got some work to do.

Recovery

Well, I'm two weeks out and I am continuing to discover things about myself and this whole recovery process.

The first week post op I didn't really care about doing anything. I pretty much fell asleep every time I was still for a few minutes. Then the anesthesia began to wear off and I switched from Percocet to Ibuprofen so my head began to clear. That's when the reality of my forced inactivity hit me and I have to be honest, it stunk. I quickly became sick of all those things that I have often said I'd love to have more time to do. I was sick of tv, movies, games shows, and Dr. Phil. I was tired of puzzle books and Solitaire. The novel I was so looking forward to finishing lost it's excitement quickly. The highlight of my day was taking a shower, which seemed unnecessary most days since I didn't do anything! I could see all the things in the house that needed to be done and although John would do them for me, he got to them on his schedule, which never seemed quick enough for someone who had nothing else to do. I felt my frustration level raising and I knew I needed to do something if I was going to make it another six weeks without jumping off the deck.

The first thing I knew I needed to do was get back to doing my devotions every morning.  And just in time, the weather cleared up and I was able to sit on our deck and truly enjoy this sweet time with the Lord. Just being able to bring back that part of my routine made a huge difference in my attitude. In fact, all those other things started looking more appealing and life itself seemed less frustrating. What a surprise that getting back into spending time with God would have such an impact! Duh. I'll blame the oversight of this ridiculously obvious solution on the pain meds.

The second thing I did (and am still doing) was to start making a new goal for every day. They started out small, like eating breakfast sitting at the table instead of my recliner, washing my own back in the shower, drying my own legs off. These may seem like silly things but these were all things that John was doing for me and being able to cross them off my goal list proved I was becoming more independent. I began to work up to bigger things. Well, bigger in my mind anyway. Walking around the cul-de-sac once, then twice. Shaving my own legs (this was one that John was particularly excited to see me accomplish!). Going downstairs. Doing a load of laundry. Unloading the dishwasher. Making the bed. Some of them took several days to master and some took more than a little creativity on my part. For instance, the leg shaving at first required me to sit in a chair beside the tub and flop my legs over the side. Laurie's bathroom has a hand held shower head so it worked like a charm until I was able to do it in the shower again. Doing the first load of laundry had me looping the tie from my bathrobe through the handle of the basket and dragging it from the bedroom to the laundry room. John thought I'd lost my mind but I felt victorious!

I know that part of my attitude change has come with feeling stronger and being able to get out for short periods of time. However, I do believe that the accomplishments I challenged myself to do are directly tied to getting that strength back. I could have laid around feeling sorry for myself (and believe me, it would have been extremely easy to slip into that mode) but God has been so good to me through this whole ordeal that I felt I owed it to Him to do my best.

Today, during my devotion time, I promised God that I would continue to use these next five or six weeks to grow spiritually. The most tragic thing I can think of would be to look back at these weeks and say I wasted that whole time. Time is too precious to waste.

Post Op Hallelujahs

What a difference a week makes! For posterity's sake and for those who may not have read the status updates, here are the gory details.
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways.  So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:

• The tumor was not attached to any other organs except for my ovary. Not only would that have made the operation much more complicated and the incision even bigger, the possibilities of it being malignant would have increased dramatically. Hallelujah!
• The tumor was officially classified as a cyst when the pathology results came back benign. Hallelujah!
• A good friend of mine who was my neighbor for more years than we want to admit was on duty that day and was able to be my recovery nurse. Although I was totally oblivious, knowing now what competent hands I was in gives me great joy. Hallelujah!
• The shear size of the mass nearly guaranteed it would be at least a week before the path report came back but we got the report on Thursday, TWO days after surgery. God made sure we didn't have that hanging over our heads for a week. Hallelujah!
• When I checked in Tuesday morning, we were told it would probably be 9:00 before I actually went back. There was another surgery ahead of me so they got me as ready as they could and we settled in to wait. Barely 20 minutes later, they were taking me back to the OR and I remember virtually nothing until I woke up in my room. The fact that I didn't have to sit around for hours waiting to get this over with is a BIG Hallelujah for this girl!
• We have had a virtual parade of friends bringing us food since we got home. The fact that so many people have given of their time and resources to unselfishly take care of our needs brings me more joy than I can even express. Hallelujah!
• The overwhelming amount of encouraging words, cards, notes, and comments have been so humbling.  God's people are so good. Hallelujah!
• The night before my surgery, I received a message from one of my former students who is now grown. She had just read my blogs and told me how encouraging my words had been to her due to a family member in a difficult situation also. I told John that if being able to help her in any small way was the reason I had to deal with this, it was worth it. Hallelujah!

I have no doubt that all of these Hallelujahs have been a direct result of all the prayers that were said on my behalf. I know for a fact that some of these things were prayed for specifically by some of you. I am a firm believer in naming it and claiming it in the name of The Lord. I still have a long road ahead but looking back at all the things God has blessed me with so far gives me complete confidence that He will be walking me through this every step of the way. I'm sure there will be times when I get frustrated but I am determined to use this time of forced quietness to listen to His voice. Then when the noise of the world gets louder, my hope is that I will have learned to better recognize that voice even through the things screaming for my attention. Hallelujah!

Finally!

Well, after five weeks of waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently), the day of surgery is upon me. In some ways, I can't believe it has been five weeks already and in some ways, it seems that this tumor and I have spent a lifetime together.

As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?

Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?

So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?

I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.

There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!

He knows

So we went for my pre op appointment with my doctor yesterday and I love my surgeon but he is not a schmoozer. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He's a tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy. And I love that about him but his "risk factors" and "possible complications" woke me up at 3 am and wouldn't let me go back to sleep.

Nothing he said took me by surprise, except maybe when the 2-3 day hospital stay became a possible 3-4 day stay depending on how quickly I can manage the pain without a morphine drip. The risks from anesthesia, infection, and bleeding are pretty standard with any surgery. Even the fact that in normal hysterectomies you only worry about involving the bladder while mine could involve the liver, spleen, colon, stomach, and intestines really didn't surprise me either. So why was all this stuff rattling around in my head at 4 o'clock this morning? Because I'm human. I kept asking God to give me a peace about this and he was being unexplainably quiet. And then around 5am, He finally spoke. And do you know what he said?

"I know."

And not only "I know" but "I knew." He knew months ago when this tumor started growing. He knew years ago when my ob/gyn retired and they randomly assigned me another doctor in his office. He knew that this doctor was who I would need on May 6, 2014. I go for my pre-admit appointment at the hospital today and will meet with the anesthesiologist. God knows who it will be already. He knows the nurses who will be in the operating room. He knows who will be taking care of me in the recovery room. He knows.

I don't pretend to be the only one going through a rough time right now. I personally know many people who are facing difficulties in their lives. But here's what I would say to each and every one of you if I could talk with you face to face...He knows. He knows.

One more week

The countdown continues and now I find myself looking at my to-do list and wondering how it is all going to get done in the next week. It seems like I shouldn't have this much to get accomplished since I have known about this for a month but the fact is many of the things couldn't be done until the last minute.
So here I am looking at my list and I realize that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I have been trying to schedule time with friends and family since I may not be very sociable for a while. Now my to-do list starts to take on a new perspective. What is more important? Cleaning my house or spending time with the people I love?
Well that's a no-brainer, huh? Sometimes we get so wrapped up what others deem important that we forget to ask ourselves what we think is most important. Will it bother me if my house is not clean while I am laid up in bed? The honest answer is yes but it would bother me a whole lot more if I didn't have memories to focus on.
Of all the lessons I've learned these past few weeks, I think this might be the most significant. Relationships trump stuff every time.

Still waiting...still learning

The countdown to surgery continues and so do the lessons God is teaching me.

1. God's people are amazing. After the first blog outlining my circumstances, I have had an overwhelming show of love and concern from so many people. Friends and family shared the posting with their friends and family and I have never felt so loved and appreciated. My first reaction was of embarrassment and denial. Words like "amazing" and "inspiring" are just not words I generally accept as descriptive of me but then I began to see how far my life can reach with very little effort on my part. It drove home to me how important it is that my witness be grounded in faith. If what people see is bitterness or negativity, that will be just as far reaching and far more damaging. 
2. Don't miss the "God Messages." The first week or so after I found out about the tumor, I had to spend some time processing it all. There was a short period of time when I was somewhat emotionally fragile before I allowed God's strength to overtake my human fear. It was during that fragile time that a friend called and, not knowing anything about my situation, asked if we would be willing to house a family from China for six weeks in July and August. My human side shouted, "Absolutely not! I can't deal with anything else right now." Then that still small voice that you read about in the Bible began to speak and I realized that my self-absorbtion almost caused me to completely miss my "God Message." He was letting me know that by July, all would be well and I would be perfectly capable of welcoming this family into my home. Had I continued to wallow in self-pity, I might have failed to catch God's reassuring tap on my shoulder. 
3. A sense of humor is absolutely critical to life. If raising Laurie taught me anything, it is that finding the humor in any and all situations is sometimes the only thing that separates you from insanity. So let's consider the ridiculousness of my condition. I'm a 57 year old postmenopausal woman who looks 6 months pregnant. John and I have discussed what we might name this bouncing baby tumor but are waiting to see what sex it is first. I'm thinking it might be fun for he and I to do a baby registry at Target and see how many strange looks we can get. I have talked to my daughter-in-law about the possibility of borrowing her old maternity pants if I get to the point where absolutely nothing will fit anymore. I live in fear of being stopped at the grocery store and accused of trying to steal a watermelon (or a ham, Marlys). Feel free to insert your own jokes here. Trust me, you'll be laughing with me and not at me. 
4. The purpose of any challenge should be for God to be glorified. I would be lying if I said that I still don't have days when I'm tired of waiting and dread the inevitable discomfort that will be my close companion for many days. However, I just read a quote by Mark Batterson that just screamed at me. "I'm not looking for the path of least resistance; I'm looking for the path of greatest glory." If God is allowing this in my life, then He has a greater purpose in mind. There have been many trials I've faced over the years and looking back, I can always see how God was glorified through each one. This will be no different. 

Well, there's a little over two weeks left and now I've found I'm anticipating the lessons God will teach me instead of dreading the continued waiting process. 

Hold the phone! Is that my next lesson? I can feel another blog coming on. Stay tuned!

Waiting....

There's nothing like having to wait 5 weeks for major surgery to teach you lessons you can't learn any other way. Here's my story:

Around the middle of March, I learned there is a basketball sized tumor growing on one of my ovaries. Yes, you heard me right...basketball sized. So large they can't tell which ovary it might be attached to. So large it is displacing my other organs. So large it will require a massively large incision all the way up my abdomen to get it out in tact. So large that a complete hysterectomy is the only way to ensure it won't come back. So large it will require 2-3 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks to recover. So large that my weight will drop drastically after its removal. Not the best way to lose weight but hey, I'm trying to find the silver lining.

My first reaction was, "okay, let's go now and get it out" so when the nurse informed me that the soonest date we could schedule it was May 6th, five weeks away, I was pretty disappointed. They took a blood test to check my CA125 and since it was not elevated, they are fairly sure it is not cancerous but won't be able to completely rule that out until it is removed.

So the waiting began. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the thousands of what ifs. And the why-mes. Fortunately, I'm not in a lot of pain. Just very uncomfortable. Like when you're pregnant and due any day. Inconvenienced by clothes that are too tight, extremely frequent bathroom breaks, nausea after eating half what I normally would.

But today I reached a decision. This waiting will be productive. So I started looking for the lessons, the blessings, the glory that God could receive from it. Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Selfishness won't float with God. The only way I could get in to surgery earlier would have been to bump someone else off the doctor's schedule. Someone who may have been waiting just as long as I have...or longer. What right do I have to place myself above someone else? At this point, I think if they called me and said they could get me in sooner, I'd be so riddled with guilt, I'd have a hard time saying OK! God has allowed me to really consider whether the adage "Jesus, Others, You" is just something cute to say to my students at school or if I truly believe it and live my life by it. Am I really putting others above myself?
2. I really have no fear of death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic but any time you have major surgery, things can go wrong. That's a fact of life. And I would be lying if I said I haven't considered this as one of my what-ifs. But the funny thing is, the thought of going to sleep and waking up in Glory doesn't frighten me one bit. What could be better? My sadness comes when I think of the pain my sudden passing would cause my family. And frankly, I'm not ready to quit interfering with my children, playing and laughing with my grandchildren, taking care of my husband, and being a influence on hundreds of students who come through my school. Just for the record, I don't believe God's done with me yet but should He decide differently, I will be getting the better end of the deal for sure. 
3. God's plan is perfect. Before I went for my appointment to schedule the surgery, I told God that I wanted him to work out all the details. All the right nurses on the right shifts, the doctor at his best, the right anesthesiologist on duty. And then when the date was so far away, what was my reaction? "Really God? You couldn't work any faster?" Hadn't I asked Him to work out all the details? How quickly we change our tune when God's plan doesn't line up with our plans. If I'm going to trust Him, that means I'm going to trust Him. Period. 
4. Each day is a gift. The older I get, the faster the days fly by but if you want to slow time down to a snail's pace, schedule some major event in your life several weeks away. I could swear that we've had more than 24 hours in some of the days since my surgery was scheduled. At first, every day was torture as it crept by. I would look at my calendar a hundred times a day to remind myself of how many weeks until THE day. Then I realized that living each day waiting for it to be over was a shameful waste of a day. I discovered that the more activities I packed in, the faster it went and the more satisfied I felt with what I had accomplished, especially if those activities involved blessing someone else. And of course, there was the inevitable slap on the forehead as I came to the realization that I'd heard that somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the Bible!

Well, that's what I've got so far but there's still three weeks left. And there are those 6-8 weeks of mandatory resting. Who knows what other lessons God might have in store for me? I'll keep you posted!