Post Op Hallelujahs

What a difference a week makes! For posterity's sake and for those who may not have read the status updates, here are the gory details.
The surgery took about two hours and the tumor turned out to be the size of an eight month fetus. Even the doctor was surprised at the size which was oblong in shape and was pushing up into my rib cavity. The incision starts at the pubic bone and ends about two inches above my belly button. Thirty-six staples. I looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster for awhile. I was in the hospital for four days and other than my blood pressure tanking a few times, things went very well. Morphine drips kept me goofy but able to get up and around for the first time the day after the surgery, even for just a few steps.
I asked God to work out all the details and I can look back now and see how He did in so many ways.  So here are my Post Op Hallelujahs:

• The tumor was not attached to any other organs except for my ovary. Not only would that have made the operation much more complicated and the incision even bigger, the possibilities of it being malignant would have increased dramatically. Hallelujah!
• The tumor was officially classified as a cyst when the pathology results came back benign. Hallelujah!
• A good friend of mine who was my neighbor for more years than we want to admit was on duty that day and was able to be my recovery nurse. Although I was totally oblivious, knowing now what competent hands I was in gives me great joy. Hallelujah!
• The shear size of the mass nearly guaranteed it would be at least a week before the path report came back but we got the report on Thursday, TWO days after surgery. God made sure we didn't have that hanging over our heads for a week. Hallelujah!
• When I checked in Tuesday morning, we were told it would probably be 9:00 before I actually went back. There was another surgery ahead of me so they got me as ready as they could and we settled in to wait. Barely 20 minutes later, they were taking me back to the OR and I remember virtually nothing until I woke up in my room. The fact that I didn't have to sit around for hours waiting to get this over with is a BIG Hallelujah for this girl!
• We have had a virtual parade of friends bringing us food since we got home. The fact that so many people have given of their time and resources to unselfishly take care of our needs brings me more joy than I can even express. Hallelujah!
• The overwhelming amount of encouraging words, cards, notes, and comments have been so humbling.  God's people are so good. Hallelujah!
• The night before my surgery, I received a message from one of my former students who is now grown. She had just read my blogs and told me how encouraging my words had been to her due to a family member in a difficult situation also. I told John that if being able to help her in any small way was the reason I had to deal with this, it was worth it. Hallelujah!

I have no doubt that all of these Hallelujahs have been a direct result of all the prayers that were said on my behalf. I know for a fact that some of these things were prayed for specifically by some of you. I am a firm believer in naming it and claiming it in the name of The Lord. I still have a long road ahead but looking back at all the things God has blessed me with so far gives me complete confidence that He will be walking me through this every step of the way. I'm sure there will be times when I get frustrated but I am determined to use this time of forced quietness to listen to His voice. Then when the noise of the world gets louder, my hope is that I will have learned to better recognize that voice even through the things screaming for my attention. Hallelujah!

Finally!

Well, after five weeks of waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently), the day of surgery is upon me. In some ways, I can't believe it has been five weeks already and in some ways, it seems that this tumor and I have spent a lifetime together.

As I have been able to cross off line after line on my to-do list over the course of the last few days, I have found myself becoming more and more introspective. Really that's just a fancy way to say that I've become less and less concerned about the things going on around me and more focused on myself. This is a bad thing, right? What about putting others above myself, walking in humility, caring about the world I live in?

Yes, those things are all good and right but I have learned something these last few days about being selfish. There comes a time when introspection is not only good but necessary. Webster's defines introspection as "an examination of one's own thoughts or feelings." I have been glad that I took the time to journal the lessons that God has taught me through this situation but now the time has come to ask, "So what?" What am I going to do with these lessons? Will they just be something interesting or maybe even inspiring that others can read about?

So here's where the rubber meets the road. Where introspection meets action. What exactly will I do with these new found insights? That really is the question for all of us, isn't it? When God places trials and difficulties in our lives, what do we do with them? When we come through on the other side, do we wipe the sweat from our brows and say "Whew! Made it through that one" and then continue our life the same way as we did before?

I am spending today getting those last minute details taken care of but I find myself, at times, just sitting and contemplating. Several people have asked me if I am nervous or scared. Not really. Am I still waking up at 3am and not going back to sleep? Yes. But am I wringing my hands and pacing the floor worrying over what might happen. Absolutely not. I put God in the driver's seat weeks ago and I've really tried not to change seats with Him. He's a much better driver than I am.

There are so many people praying for me that I'm thinking the surgery tomorrow has to go off without a hitch because God is probably getting sick and tired of hearing my name. He's likely going to heal me quickly just to shut you people up! I do appreciate all the prayers and encouraging words. I believe that to be the only thing that has kept me moving forward these last five weeks. I'm going to be pretty quiet for the next few days but look forward to sharing "the rest of the story" when I am able to write again. If I try to do it while I'm still medicated, it could be an interesting read! Stay tuned!

He knows

So we went for my pre op appointment with my doctor yesterday and I love my surgeon but he is not a schmoozer. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He's a tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy. And I love that about him but his "risk factors" and "possible complications" woke me up at 3 am and wouldn't let me go back to sleep.

Nothing he said took me by surprise, except maybe when the 2-3 day hospital stay became a possible 3-4 day stay depending on how quickly I can manage the pain without a morphine drip. The risks from anesthesia, infection, and bleeding are pretty standard with any surgery. Even the fact that in normal hysterectomies you only worry about involving the bladder while mine could involve the liver, spleen, colon, stomach, and intestines really didn't surprise me either. So why was all this stuff rattling around in my head at 4 o'clock this morning? Because I'm human. I kept asking God to give me a peace about this and he was being unexplainably quiet. And then around 5am, He finally spoke. And do you know what he said?

"I know."

And not only "I know" but "I knew." He knew months ago when this tumor started growing. He knew years ago when my ob/gyn retired and they randomly assigned me another doctor in his office. He knew that this doctor was who I would need on May 6, 2014. I go for my pre-admit appointment at the hospital today and will meet with the anesthesiologist. God knows who it will be already. He knows the nurses who will be in the operating room. He knows who will be taking care of me in the recovery room. He knows.

I don't pretend to be the only one going through a rough time right now. I personally know many people who are facing difficulties in their lives. But here's what I would say to each and every one of you if I could talk with you face to face...He knows. He knows.

One more week

The countdown continues and now I find myself looking at my to-do list and wondering how it is all going to get done in the next week. It seems like I shouldn't have this much to get accomplished since I have known about this for a month but the fact is many of the things couldn't be done until the last minute.
So here I am looking at my list and I realize that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I have been trying to schedule time with friends and family since I may not be very sociable for a while. Now my to-do list starts to take on a new perspective. What is more important? Cleaning my house or spending time with the people I love?
Well that's a no-brainer, huh? Sometimes we get so wrapped up what others deem important that we forget to ask ourselves what we think is most important. Will it bother me if my house is not clean while I am laid up in bed? The honest answer is yes but it would bother me a whole lot more if I didn't have memories to focus on.
Of all the lessons I've learned these past few weeks, I think this might be the most significant. Relationships trump stuff every time.

Still waiting...still learning

The countdown to surgery continues and so do the lessons God is teaching me.

1. God's people are amazing. After the first blog outlining my circumstances, I have had an overwhelming show of love and concern from so many people. Friends and family shared the posting with their friends and family and I have never felt so loved and appreciated. My first reaction was of embarrassment and denial. Words like "amazing" and "inspiring" are just not words I generally accept as descriptive of me but then I began to see how far my life can reach with very little effort on my part. It drove home to me how important it is that my witness be grounded in faith. If what people see is bitterness or negativity, that will be just as far reaching and far more damaging. 
2. Don't miss the "God Messages." The first week or so after I found out about the tumor, I had to spend some time processing it all. There was a short period of time when I was somewhat emotionally fragile before I allowed God's strength to overtake my human fear. It was during that fragile time that a friend called and, not knowing anything about my situation, asked if we would be willing to house a family from China for six weeks in July and August. My human side shouted, "Absolutely not! I can't deal with anything else right now." Then that still small voice that you read about in the Bible began to speak and I realized that my self-absorbtion almost caused me to completely miss my "God Message." He was letting me know that by July, all would be well and I would be perfectly capable of welcoming this family into my home. Had I continued to wallow in self-pity, I might have failed to catch God's reassuring tap on my shoulder. 
3. A sense of humor is absolutely critical to life. If raising Laurie taught me anything, it is that finding the humor in any and all situations is sometimes the only thing that separates you from insanity. So let's consider the ridiculousness of my condition. I'm a 57 year old postmenopausal woman who looks 6 months pregnant. John and I have discussed what we might name this bouncing baby tumor but are waiting to see what sex it is first. I'm thinking it might be fun for he and I to do a baby registry at Target and see how many strange looks we can get. I have talked to my daughter-in-law about the possibility of borrowing her old maternity pants if I get to the point where absolutely nothing will fit anymore. I live in fear of being stopped at the grocery store and accused of trying to steal a watermelon (or a ham, Marlys). Feel free to insert your own jokes here. Trust me, you'll be laughing with me and not at me. 
4. The purpose of any challenge should be for God to be glorified. I would be lying if I said that I still don't have days when I'm tired of waiting and dread the inevitable discomfort that will be my close companion for many days. However, I just read a quote by Mark Batterson that just screamed at me. "I'm not looking for the path of least resistance; I'm looking for the path of greatest glory." If God is allowing this in my life, then He has a greater purpose in mind. There have been many trials I've faced over the years and looking back, I can always see how God was glorified through each one. This will be no different. 

Well, there's a little over two weeks left and now I've found I'm anticipating the lessons God will teach me instead of dreading the continued waiting process. 

Hold the phone! Is that my next lesson? I can feel another blog coming on. Stay tuned!

Waiting....

There's nothing like having to wait 5 weeks for major surgery to teach you lessons you can't learn any other way. Here's my story:

Around the middle of March, I learned there is a basketball sized tumor growing on one of my ovaries. Yes, you heard me right...basketball sized. So large they can't tell which ovary it might be attached to. So large it is displacing my other organs. So large it will require a massively large incision all the way up my abdomen to get it out in tact. So large that a complete hysterectomy is the only way to ensure it won't come back. So large it will require 2-3 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks to recover. So large that my weight will drop drastically after its removal. Not the best way to lose weight but hey, I'm trying to find the silver lining.

My first reaction was, "okay, let's go now and get it out" so when the nurse informed me that the soonest date we could schedule it was May 6th, five weeks away, I was pretty disappointed. They took a blood test to check my CA125 and since it was not elevated, they are fairly sure it is not cancerous but won't be able to completely rule that out until it is removed.

So the waiting began. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the thousands of what ifs. And the why-mes. Fortunately, I'm not in a lot of pain. Just very uncomfortable. Like when you're pregnant and due any day. Inconvenienced by clothes that are too tight, extremely frequent bathroom breaks, nausea after eating half what I normally would.

But today I reached a decision. This waiting will be productive. So I started looking for the lessons, the blessings, the glory that God could receive from it. Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Selfishness won't float with God. The only way I could get in to surgery earlier would have been to bump someone else off the doctor's schedule. Someone who may have been waiting just as long as I have...or longer. What right do I have to place myself above someone else? At this point, I think if they called me and said they could get me in sooner, I'd be so riddled with guilt, I'd have a hard time saying OK! God has allowed me to really consider whether the adage "Jesus, Others, You" is just something cute to say to my students at school or if I truly believe it and live my life by it. Am I really putting others above myself?
2. I really have no fear of death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic but any time you have major surgery, things can go wrong. That's a fact of life. And I would be lying if I said I haven't considered this as one of my what-ifs. But the funny thing is, the thought of going to sleep and waking up in Glory doesn't frighten me one bit. What could be better? My sadness comes when I think of the pain my sudden passing would cause my family. And frankly, I'm not ready to quit interfering with my children, playing and laughing with my grandchildren, taking care of my husband, and being a influence on hundreds of students who come through my school. Just for the record, I don't believe God's done with me yet but should He decide differently, I will be getting the better end of the deal for sure. 
3. God's plan is perfect. Before I went for my appointment to schedule the surgery, I told God that I wanted him to work out all the details. All the right nurses on the right shifts, the doctor at his best, the right anesthesiologist on duty. And then when the date was so far away, what was my reaction? "Really God? You couldn't work any faster?" Hadn't I asked Him to work out all the details? How quickly we change our tune when God's plan doesn't line up with our plans. If I'm going to trust Him, that means I'm going to trust Him. Period. 
4. Each day is a gift. The older I get, the faster the days fly by but if you want to slow time down to a snail's pace, schedule some major event in your life several weeks away. I could swear that we've had more than 24 hours in some of the days since my surgery was scheduled. At first, every day was torture as it crept by. I would look at my calendar a hundred times a day to remind myself of how many weeks until THE day. Then I realized that living each day waiting for it to be over was a shameful waste of a day. I discovered that the more activities I packed in, the faster it went and the more satisfied I felt with what I had accomplished, especially if those activities involved blessing someone else. And of course, there was the inevitable slap on the forehead as I came to the realization that I'd heard that somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the Bible!

Well, that's what I've got so far but there's still three weeks left. And there are those 6-8 weeks of mandatory resting. Who knows what other lessons God might have in store for me? I'll keep you posted!

Not just another Thanksgiving blog

I realize that what is expected at this time of year is a blog detailing all the many things I am thankful for but it will probably not be a big surprise to anyone that knows me that I am taking a different slant on Thanksgiving this year.

Typically our thankfulness is voiced at the table where everyone goes around and tells what they are thankful for or, in our social media society now, posting 28 days of things on Facebook. Things like our families, our homes, our jobs, our churches, our friends. And don't get me wrong, we are truly thankful for all these things and it is certainly not wrong to be grateful for them. But I'm a teacher and I'm beginning to believe that being in education is a terminal illness. My teacher brain asked a different question.

What does it really mean to be thankful?

Words fascinate me and I'm so glad Webster chose to take on the seemingly mundane task of defining all the words in the English language. Here's what the dictionary says about the word thankful.

thankful: adjective : conscious of benefit received

Conscious of benefit received. Okay, that starts my mind buzzing but I want to go farther. One of the definitions for conscious is personally felt and one for benefit is promotes well-being. Now I have something to work with. If being thankful means that I am personally feeling something that promotes my well-being, let's apply that definition to some of the things we mentioned.

My home. When I get up on an extremely cold morning like today, I can personally feel this benefit when I throw back my covers and climb out of bed. I don't have to worry about frost bite or freezing to death which definitely promotes my well-being. This is a physical benefit.

My family. I can personally feel their love for me, their support and encouragement which in turn promotes my emotional well-being.  This is an emotional benefit.

My church. I personally feel them holding me accountable to study the Word, help others, and strengthen my faith. This promotes my well-being by pushing me to be more Christlike in everything I do and say. This is a spiritual benefit.

I think you get where I'm coming from. We can apply this definition to all the things we're thankful for and be able to place everything in one of those three benefit categories: physical, emotional, spiritual.

But let's not forget about the last benefit category. The most important one of all. The eternal benefit. Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross so that each and every one of us have the opportunity to spend eternity in heaven with Him. That is the ultimate benefit and you can't get any more personal than that.

So my challenge to you (and to me) this Thanksgiving is not to just verbalize what you are thankful for but also why. Let's be conscious of the benefits we've received.

Happy Thanksgiving!