One more week

The countdown continues and now I find myself looking at my to-do list and wondering how it is all going to get done in the next week. It seems like I shouldn't have this much to get accomplished since I have known about this for a month but the fact is many of the things couldn't be done until the last minute.
So here I am looking at my list and I realize that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I have been trying to schedule time with friends and family since I may not be very sociable for a while. Now my to-do list starts to take on a new perspective. What is more important? Cleaning my house or spending time with the people I love?
Well that's a no-brainer, huh? Sometimes we get so wrapped up what others deem important that we forget to ask ourselves what we think is most important. Will it bother me if my house is not clean while I am laid up in bed? The honest answer is yes but it would bother me a whole lot more if I didn't have memories to focus on.
Of all the lessons I've learned these past few weeks, I think this might be the most significant. Relationships trump stuff every time.

Still waiting...still learning

The countdown to surgery continues and so do the lessons God is teaching me.

1. God's people are amazing. After the first blog outlining my circumstances, I have had an overwhelming show of love and concern from so many people. Friends and family shared the posting with their friends and family and I have never felt so loved and appreciated. My first reaction was of embarrassment and denial. Words like "amazing" and "inspiring" are just not words I generally accept as descriptive of me but then I began to see how far my life can reach with very little effort on my part. It drove home to me how important it is that my witness be grounded in faith. If what people see is bitterness or negativity, that will be just as far reaching and far more damaging. 
2. Don't miss the "God Messages." The first week or so after I found out about the tumor, I had to spend some time processing it all. There was a short period of time when I was somewhat emotionally fragile before I allowed God's strength to overtake my human fear. It was during that fragile time that a friend called and, not knowing anything about my situation, asked if we would be willing to house a family from China for six weeks in July and August. My human side shouted, "Absolutely not! I can't deal with anything else right now." Then that still small voice that you read about in the Bible began to speak and I realized that my self-absorbtion almost caused me to completely miss my "God Message." He was letting me know that by July, all would be well and I would be perfectly capable of welcoming this family into my home. Had I continued to wallow in self-pity, I might have failed to catch God's reassuring tap on my shoulder. 
3. A sense of humor is absolutely critical to life. If raising Laurie taught me anything, it is that finding the humor in any and all situations is sometimes the only thing that separates you from insanity. So let's consider the ridiculousness of my condition. I'm a 57 year old postmenopausal woman who looks 6 months pregnant. John and I have discussed what we might name this bouncing baby tumor but are waiting to see what sex it is first. I'm thinking it might be fun for he and I to do a baby registry at Target and see how many strange looks we can get. I have talked to my daughter-in-law about the possibility of borrowing her old maternity pants if I get to the point where absolutely nothing will fit anymore. I live in fear of being stopped at the grocery store and accused of trying to steal a watermelon (or a ham, Marlys). Feel free to insert your own jokes here. Trust me, you'll be laughing with me and not at me. 
4. The purpose of any challenge should be for God to be glorified. I would be lying if I said that I still don't have days when I'm tired of waiting and dread the inevitable discomfort that will be my close companion for many days. However, I just read a quote by Mark Batterson that just screamed at me. "I'm not looking for the path of least resistance; I'm looking for the path of greatest glory." If God is allowing this in my life, then He has a greater purpose in mind. There have been many trials I've faced over the years and looking back, I can always see how God was glorified through each one. This will be no different. 

Well, there's a little over two weeks left and now I've found I'm anticipating the lessons God will teach me instead of dreading the continued waiting process. 

Hold the phone! Is that my next lesson? I can feel another blog coming on. Stay tuned!

Waiting....

There's nothing like having to wait 5 weeks for major surgery to teach you lessons you can't learn any other way. Here's my story:

Around the middle of March, I learned there is a basketball sized tumor growing on one of my ovaries. Yes, you heard me right...basketball sized. So large they can't tell which ovary it might be attached to. So large it is displacing my other organs. So large it will require a massively large incision all the way up my abdomen to get it out in tact. So large that a complete hysterectomy is the only way to ensure it won't come back. So large it will require 2-3 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks to recover. So large that my weight will drop drastically after its removal. Not the best way to lose weight but hey, I'm trying to find the silver lining.

My first reaction was, "okay, let's go now and get it out" so when the nurse informed me that the soonest date we could schedule it was May 6th, five weeks away, I was pretty disappointed. They took a blood test to check my CA125 and since it was not elevated, they are fairly sure it is not cancerous but won't be able to completely rule that out until it is removed.

So the waiting began. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the thousands of what ifs. And the why-mes. Fortunately, I'm not in a lot of pain. Just very uncomfortable. Like when you're pregnant and due any day. Inconvenienced by clothes that are too tight, extremely frequent bathroom breaks, nausea after eating half what I normally would.

But today I reached a decision. This waiting will be productive. So I started looking for the lessons, the blessings, the glory that God could receive from it. Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Selfishness won't float with God. The only way I could get in to surgery earlier would have been to bump someone else off the doctor's schedule. Someone who may have been waiting just as long as I have...or longer. What right do I have to place myself above someone else? At this point, I think if they called me and said they could get me in sooner, I'd be so riddled with guilt, I'd have a hard time saying OK! God has allowed me to really consider whether the adage "Jesus, Others, You" is just something cute to say to my students at school or if I truly believe it and live my life by it. Am I really putting others above myself?
2. I really have no fear of death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic but any time you have major surgery, things can go wrong. That's a fact of life. And I would be lying if I said I haven't considered this as one of my what-ifs. But the funny thing is, the thought of going to sleep and waking up in Glory doesn't frighten me one bit. What could be better? My sadness comes when I think of the pain my sudden passing would cause my family. And frankly, I'm not ready to quit interfering with my children, playing and laughing with my grandchildren, taking care of my husband, and being a influence on hundreds of students who come through my school. Just for the record, I don't believe God's done with me yet but should He decide differently, I will be getting the better end of the deal for sure. 
3. God's plan is perfect. Before I went for my appointment to schedule the surgery, I told God that I wanted him to work out all the details. All the right nurses on the right shifts, the doctor at his best, the right anesthesiologist on duty. And then when the date was so far away, what was my reaction? "Really God? You couldn't work any faster?" Hadn't I asked Him to work out all the details? How quickly we change our tune when God's plan doesn't line up with our plans. If I'm going to trust Him, that means I'm going to trust Him. Period. 
4. Each day is a gift. The older I get, the faster the days fly by but if you want to slow time down to a snail's pace, schedule some major event in your life several weeks away. I could swear that we've had more than 24 hours in some of the days since my surgery was scheduled. At first, every day was torture as it crept by. I would look at my calendar a hundred times a day to remind myself of how many weeks until THE day. Then I realized that living each day waiting for it to be over was a shameful waste of a day. I discovered that the more activities I packed in, the faster it went and the more satisfied I felt with what I had accomplished, especially if those activities involved blessing someone else. And of course, there was the inevitable slap on the forehead as I came to the realization that I'd heard that somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the Bible!

Well, that's what I've got so far but there's still three weeks left. And there are those 6-8 weeks of mandatory resting. Who knows what other lessons God might have in store for me? I'll keep you posted!

Not just another Thanksgiving blog

I realize that what is expected at this time of year is a blog detailing all the many things I am thankful for but it will probably not be a big surprise to anyone that knows me that I am taking a different slant on Thanksgiving this year.

Typically our thankfulness is voiced at the table where everyone goes around and tells what they are thankful for or, in our social media society now, posting 28 days of things on Facebook. Things like our families, our homes, our jobs, our churches, our friends. And don't get me wrong, we are truly thankful for all these things and it is certainly not wrong to be grateful for them. But I'm a teacher and I'm beginning to believe that being in education is a terminal illness. My teacher brain asked a different question.

What does it really mean to be thankful?

Words fascinate me and I'm so glad Webster chose to take on the seemingly mundane task of defining all the words in the English language. Here's what the dictionary says about the word thankful.

thankful: adjective : conscious of benefit received

Conscious of benefit received. Okay, that starts my mind buzzing but I want to go farther. One of the definitions for conscious is personally felt and one for benefit is promotes well-being. Now I have something to work with. If being thankful means that I am personally feeling something that promotes my well-being, let's apply that definition to some of the things we mentioned.

My home. When I get up on an extremely cold morning like today, I can personally feel this benefit when I throw back my covers and climb out of bed. I don't have to worry about frost bite or freezing to death which definitely promotes my well-being. This is a physical benefit.

My family. I can personally feel their love for me, their support and encouragement which in turn promotes my emotional well-being.  This is an emotional benefit.

My church. I personally feel them holding me accountable to study the Word, help others, and strengthen my faith. This promotes my well-being by pushing me to be more Christlike in everything I do and say. This is a spiritual benefit.

I think you get where I'm coming from. We can apply this definition to all the things we're thankful for and be able to place everything in one of those three benefit categories: physical, emotional, spiritual.

But let's not forget about the last benefit category. The most important one of all. The eternal benefit. Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross so that each and every one of us have the opportunity to spend eternity in heaven with Him. That is the ultimate benefit and you can't get any more personal than that.

So my challenge to you (and to me) this Thanksgiving is not to just verbalize what you are thankful for but also why. Let's be conscious of the benefits we've received.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A message to parents of daughters

Soap box alert! I feel a disclaimer is warranted because I'm pretty certain there will be some parents who don't appreciate what I am about to say. So read on with an open mind if you dare.

I am a mother of boys and I have a serious concern about what the fashion industry is putting out there for little girls (and big girls) to wear these days. Side note: I do have a daughter but since she has special needs and is on about a two year old mental level, my biggest fashion issue with her is convincing her not to wear a box on her head when we go out in public.

I walked past a rack of clothing the other day in Walmart and was completely perplexed at the amount of material (or lack thereof) used in what I can only assume was a pair of shorts. There is no way that this piece of cloth could have covered up enough to even be considered clothing. Eve was no doubt covering more of her body with a fig leave! It begs the question: Where has decency gone?

Since the arrival of my grandson four months ago, I am finding myself in the children's clothing section more than I have in 20+ years and I'm sad to say, the fashion choices are not much better over there. Skin tight leggings with tiny little skirts, blouses that are masquerading as dresses, tube tops, spaghetti straps, bare midriffs, and on and on. Oh sure, they may be cute on a four year old but what message are we sending while they are young and impressionable? And who is buying this clothing for these girls? I don't know of too many ten year olds with jobs who are purchasing their own wardrobe.

Is it any wonder that parents who are trying to hold their daughters to a certain standard of decency find themselves in a daily battle? The fashion industry + peer pressure = Frustrated parents. My teenage son once asked me, "Mom, if the girls don't want us looking at their butts, why do they put words on them?" Excellent question son. And the answer is, because they really do want you to look...and be attracted to them...but treat them with respect...and don't touch them inappropriately. It's a tough world out there right now for a young boy. So many mixed messages and they are supposed to be able to sort it all out maturely while hormones are raging?

Don't misunderstand me. I am not excusing inappropriate behavior. Boys do need to respect girls but by the same token, girls need to respect themselves. Social media has made it acceptable for girls to post provocative pictures for all the world to see. And I'm not talking about being scantily clad, although that is a huge problem. I'm also talking about baby doll poses, with their finger in their mouth, leaning forward, bootie shots, etc. Come on girls. Have some self respect. There's nothing wrong with being twelve years old...and acting twelve years old. There are plenty of boys out there who are looking for a girl who loves herself enough to hold to a different standard than what society allows.

And before I leave my soap box, let me leave parents with one thought. If your daughter was standing on the edge of a cliff with the rocks crumbling beneath her feet, would you spend time arguing with her about whether or not she ought to move away from the ledge? Of course not. Nothing would stop you from snatching her away from certain death. Lack of self-respect is the root cause of a whole host of issues young women can face today; teen pregnancy, date rape, diseases, abuse, and the list goes on. And here's an even worse problem: Girls face spiritual death every day if they are not prepared to fight against the world's pressures.

It begins when they are little girls. Modeling self respect when they are young will save you a lot of conflict when they are older. And God just might use them to start a new trend; modesty.

An Encounter with Jesus

Today, as I was reading in the book Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman (an amazing, life changing book by the way), the author suggested a scenario that caused me to play out a mental visualization that I can't get out of my head. A question I can't find a completely acceptable answer to. A realization that my life needs to revolve around the honest, heart-felt, all or nothing answer to this question. Here's how it goes:

I am in a coffee shop, which is peculiar in the first place since I don't drink coffee but that was where Kyle Idleman placed his scenario so we'll go with it. I am enjoying my Diet Dr. Pepper and checking my email, facebook, surfing the internet, when in walks Jesus. He comes straight to me, which seems to also be a peculiarity. There are so many other important people He could be visiting. Why me? Those thoughts fade away though when I stand up to greet Him and He wraps me up in a big bear hug. I melt into His strong arms and stay there a bit longer than my brain tells me is socially acceptable. When He finally releases me, I look up into His face and He says, "I love you" to which I respond the standard answer of "I love you too."

We sit down in the booth and Jesus takes my hands in His. My attention immediately goes to the scars that are evident in His hands but it doesn't stay there because of His next question. Lost in the deep pools that are His eyes, He says to me, "Do you really love me too?"

"Do you really love me?" 

Obviously my standard answer isn't going to cut it with Jesus. He isn't looking for my words. He's looking for so much more. My thoughts go to Peter and this same conversation the Lord had with him on the banks of the Sea of Tiberias. Peter was inclined to give the pat answer too, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you." John 21:15 But that wasn't good enough for Jesus. He knew that Peter was going to face great adversity and would be instrumental in starting the church so "I love you too" needed to come from the very depths of his soul. It needed to be with his heart, soul, and mind. (Matthew 22:37)

So here I am with this question: "Do you love me?"  Noah loved God enough to give up everything to live in a boat. Moses loved God enough to give up everything to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land. Abraham loved God enough to willingly sacrifice his precious son. The disciples loved Jesus enough to give up everything to follow Him and later even gave up their lives. What am I willing to give up? Do I love Him more than my house, my car, and my material possessions? Do I love Him more than my job or my church? Do I love him more than my family? Do I love Him more than my life?

Tough questions. But the realization that the answers will ultimately define my relationship with Jesus and dictate my eternal home behooves me to get serious about my responses. Praise the Lord that I'm a work in progress and He's not finished with me yet!

Integrity

"If you don't get caught, it's not wrong." 

I overheard this statement being made by a five-year-old to his friend a number of years ago in my kindergarten class. The context was that of certain rules that may or may not be allowed in a soccer game but sadly, this particular child seemed to adopt this philosophy in many areas of his life. I was recently reminded of this incident after a discussion about integrity at my church.

Although it seems obvious that this child's thinking was clearly skewed, it made me realize that we as adults apply this type of reasoning to an astonishing amount of life situations and don't think anything of it. How many of us drive five miles over the speed limit because we are pretty sure law enforcement won't stop us until we are over ten miles? How many of us cheat (even ever so slightly) on our income taxes because we're gambling on the possibility we won't be audited? How many of us keep the extra change we were given by the clerk accidently? That's his/her mistake, right?

Now, lest you think I am writing this from atop my high horse, I am just as guilty as anyone else. We gamble nearly every day that if we are not seen doing something and we don't get caught, we're home free. The other day I was purchasing my daily Diet Dr. Pepper at Kum & Go (it's my only vise--leave me alone) when I noticed a dime and two pennies laying on the shelf below the counter. Someone had obviously failed to pick up their change. Without thinking, I scooped it up and dropped it into my purse. Immediately I was struck with a thought. What right did I have to take that money? It wasn't mine, it wasn't given to me, I had no claim to it. So I removed it from my purse and placed it in the box for donations to a local charity.

Do I believe that 12 cents would have placed my eternal soul in jeopardy? Of course not. But it did shock me somewhat that I didn't even hesitate at first. This business of integrity can be an extremely slippery slope. We see it all the time in high profile individuals who fall from grace for something that seems completely out of character for their position. We can't imagine how that person could have wandered so far away from what is morally right. My fear is that it started with 12 cents that didn't belong to them and someday it could be me that everyone is shocked to hear about.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Proverbs 4:23

My prayer today is that God will help me be a person of integrity so that everything flowing from my heart will be pleasing to Him.