He knows

So we went for my pre op appointment with my doctor yesterday and I love my surgeon but he is not a schmoozer. He doesn't sugar coat anything. He's a tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy. And I love that about him but his "risk factors" and "possible complications" woke me up at 3 am and wouldn't let me go back to sleep.

Nothing he said took me by surprise, except maybe when the 2-3 day hospital stay became a possible 3-4 day stay depending on how quickly I can manage the pain without a morphine drip. The risks from anesthesia, infection, and bleeding are pretty standard with any surgery. Even the fact that in normal hysterectomies you only worry about involving the bladder while mine could involve the liver, spleen, colon, stomach, and intestines really didn't surprise me either. So why was all this stuff rattling around in my head at 4 o'clock this morning? Because I'm human. I kept asking God to give me a peace about this and he was being unexplainably quiet. And then around 5am, He finally spoke. And do you know what he said?

"I know."

And not only "I know" but "I knew." He knew months ago when this tumor started growing. He knew years ago when my ob/gyn retired and they randomly assigned me another doctor in his office. He knew that this doctor was who I would need on May 6, 2014. I go for my pre-admit appointment at the hospital today and will meet with the anesthesiologist. God knows who it will be already. He knows the nurses who will be in the operating room. He knows who will be taking care of me in the recovery room. He knows.

I don't pretend to be the only one going through a rough time right now. I personally know many people who are facing difficulties in their lives. But here's what I would say to each and every one of you if I could talk with you face to face...He knows. He knows.

One more week

The countdown continues and now I find myself looking at my to-do list and wondering how it is all going to get done in the next week. It seems like I shouldn't have this much to get accomplished since I have known about this for a month but the fact is many of the things couldn't be done until the last minute.
So here I am looking at my list and I realize that one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is because I have been trying to schedule time with friends and family since I may not be very sociable for a while. Now my to-do list starts to take on a new perspective. What is more important? Cleaning my house or spending time with the people I love?
Well that's a no-brainer, huh? Sometimes we get so wrapped up what others deem important that we forget to ask ourselves what we think is most important. Will it bother me if my house is not clean while I am laid up in bed? The honest answer is yes but it would bother me a whole lot more if I didn't have memories to focus on.
Of all the lessons I've learned these past few weeks, I think this might be the most significant. Relationships trump stuff every time.

Still waiting...still learning

The countdown to surgery continues and so do the lessons God is teaching me.

1. God's people are amazing. After the first blog outlining my circumstances, I have had an overwhelming show of love and concern from so many people. Friends and family shared the posting with their friends and family and I have never felt so loved and appreciated. My first reaction was of embarrassment and denial. Words like "amazing" and "inspiring" are just not words I generally accept as descriptive of me but then I began to see how far my life can reach with very little effort on my part. It drove home to me how important it is that my witness be grounded in faith. If what people see is bitterness or negativity, that will be just as far reaching and far more damaging. 
2. Don't miss the "God Messages." The first week or so after I found out about the tumor, I had to spend some time processing it all. There was a short period of time when I was somewhat emotionally fragile before I allowed God's strength to overtake my human fear. It was during that fragile time that a friend called and, not knowing anything about my situation, asked if we would be willing to house a family from China for six weeks in July and August. My human side shouted, "Absolutely not! I can't deal with anything else right now." Then that still small voice that you read about in the Bible began to speak and I realized that my self-absorbtion almost caused me to completely miss my "God Message." He was letting me know that by July, all would be well and I would be perfectly capable of welcoming this family into my home. Had I continued to wallow in self-pity, I might have failed to catch God's reassuring tap on my shoulder. 
3. A sense of humor is absolutely critical to life. If raising Laurie taught me anything, it is that finding the humor in any and all situations is sometimes the only thing that separates you from insanity. So let's consider the ridiculousness of my condition. I'm a 57 year old postmenopausal woman who looks 6 months pregnant. John and I have discussed what we might name this bouncing baby tumor but are waiting to see what sex it is first. I'm thinking it might be fun for he and I to do a baby registry at Target and see how many strange looks we can get. I have talked to my daughter-in-law about the possibility of borrowing her old maternity pants if I get to the point where absolutely nothing will fit anymore. I live in fear of being stopped at the grocery store and accused of trying to steal a watermelon (or a ham, Marlys). Feel free to insert your own jokes here. Trust me, you'll be laughing with me and not at me. 
4. The purpose of any challenge should be for God to be glorified. I would be lying if I said that I still don't have days when I'm tired of waiting and dread the inevitable discomfort that will be my close companion for many days. However, I just read a quote by Mark Batterson that just screamed at me. "I'm not looking for the path of least resistance; I'm looking for the path of greatest glory." If God is allowing this in my life, then He has a greater purpose in mind. There have been many trials I've faced over the years and looking back, I can always see how God was glorified through each one. This will be no different. 

Well, there's a little over two weeks left and now I've found I'm anticipating the lessons God will teach me instead of dreading the continued waiting process. 

Hold the phone! Is that my next lesson? I can feel another blog coming on. Stay tuned!

Waiting....

There's nothing like having to wait 5 weeks for major surgery to teach you lessons you can't learn any other way. Here's my story:

Around the middle of March, I learned there is a basketball sized tumor growing on one of my ovaries. Yes, you heard me right...basketball sized. So large they can't tell which ovary it might be attached to. So large it is displacing my other organs. So large it will require a massively large incision all the way up my abdomen to get it out in tact. So large that a complete hysterectomy is the only way to ensure it won't come back. So large it will require 2-3 days in the hospital and 6-8 weeks to recover. So large that my weight will drop drastically after its removal. Not the best way to lose weight but hey, I'm trying to find the silver lining.

My first reaction was, "okay, let's go now and get it out" so when the nurse informed me that the soonest date we could schedule it was May 6th, five weeks away, I was pretty disappointed. They took a blood test to check my CA125 and since it was not elevated, they are fairly sure it is not cancerous but won't be able to completely rule that out until it is removed.

So the waiting began. And the feeling sorry for myself. And the thousands of what ifs. And the why-mes. Fortunately, I'm not in a lot of pain. Just very uncomfortable. Like when you're pregnant and due any day. Inconvenienced by clothes that are too tight, extremely frequent bathroom breaks, nausea after eating half what I normally would.

But today I reached a decision. This waiting will be productive. So I started looking for the lessons, the blessings, the glory that God could receive from it. Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Selfishness won't float with God. The only way I could get in to surgery earlier would have been to bump someone else off the doctor's schedule. Someone who may have been waiting just as long as I have...or longer. What right do I have to place myself above someone else? At this point, I think if they called me and said they could get me in sooner, I'd be so riddled with guilt, I'd have a hard time saying OK! God has allowed me to really consider whether the adage "Jesus, Others, You" is just something cute to say to my students at school or if I truly believe it and live my life by it. Am I really putting others above myself?
2. I really have no fear of death. I'm not trying to be melodramatic but any time you have major surgery, things can go wrong. That's a fact of life. And I would be lying if I said I haven't considered this as one of my what-ifs. But the funny thing is, the thought of going to sleep and waking up in Glory doesn't frighten me one bit. What could be better? My sadness comes when I think of the pain my sudden passing would cause my family. And frankly, I'm not ready to quit interfering with my children, playing and laughing with my grandchildren, taking care of my husband, and being a influence on hundreds of students who come through my school. Just for the record, I don't believe God's done with me yet but should He decide differently, I will be getting the better end of the deal for sure. 
3. God's plan is perfect. Before I went for my appointment to schedule the surgery, I told God that I wanted him to work out all the details. All the right nurses on the right shifts, the doctor at his best, the right anesthesiologist on duty. And then when the date was so far away, what was my reaction? "Really God? You couldn't work any faster?" Hadn't I asked Him to work out all the details? How quickly we change our tune when God's plan doesn't line up with our plans. If I'm going to trust Him, that means I'm going to trust Him. Period. 
4. Each day is a gift. The older I get, the faster the days fly by but if you want to slow time down to a snail's pace, schedule some major event in your life several weeks away. I could swear that we've had more than 24 hours in some of the days since my surgery was scheduled. At first, every day was torture as it crept by. I would look at my calendar a hundred times a day to remind myself of how many weeks until THE day. Then I realized that living each day waiting for it to be over was a shameful waste of a day. I discovered that the more activities I packed in, the faster it went and the more satisfied I felt with what I had accomplished, especially if those activities involved blessing someone else. And of course, there was the inevitable slap on the forehead as I came to the realization that I'd heard that somewhere before. Oh yeah, in the Bible!

Well, that's what I've got so far but there's still three weeks left. And there are those 6-8 weeks of mandatory resting. Who knows what other lessons God might have in store for me? I'll keep you posted!